Dear Friend 14

Dear Friend,

There are many things to talk about.

First, let's talk about the speech given by a successful alumnus today during National Day's ceremony. ( I was about to write celebration when I realised that ceremony is much more appropriate.) He began the speech in Chinese, which for our school culture, was odd. One could say that the school's name became a misnomer over time. Then he talked about global competition. More specifically, he talked about how there will be increased foreign competition, and the so called "Asian Century". Accepting the fact that Asian Nations are developing at a faster pace and are catching up, he thinks that China and India will become more dominant in the global arena. As a result, we might have to speak Chinese to our employers one day. That explains why he began the speech in Chinese, to make a pertinent point. To be honest, I didn't listen to the speech that attentively. I don't really have the talent or natural inclination to make a speech that flows to another point naturally, but on a macroscale seems rather unfocused but well organised at the same time. And then the speaker went on to talk about how the school is provides us with a great education that will make us prepared for the challenges of the future. Of course, before that he also mentioned how his generation of the school is different from our generation. I believe he also briefly discussed the notion of "success". And even within 6 years, I myself have witnessed significant changes in the school.

But what I really want to talk about is his speech. It seemed odd, especially with the Chinese opening. I'm nor sure how others received the speech, but I did find it interesting. For some, it might be totally irrelevant to National Day, or to the so called inculcation of "important principles and values". But I think the speaker was interesting, he had more things to tell, he tried to give us some kind of confidence and practical reminder to the challenges that we shall face. I imagine myself in his shoes. If I were to come back to school to give a speech, what would I talk about? I would feel extremely nostalgic, knowing that some of my best days, and the best friends I have made are in this institution. Perhaps I would feel like reminiscing about my good ole days. Perhaps, as an alumnus who has seen and ventured into the brave new world, I want to warn my juniors about the perils that lie ahead. All those sentiments will condense to practical advice that sounds distant and in fact not useful at all. Sad isn't it? Then why you try to speak about ideals, or maybe your interesting life, or maybe encouraging people to cherish their time in the school, what kind of lasting impact does it have? I have listened to countless inspirational and moving speeches that tell me to have faith in the wonders of life, or something to becoming a better person. But I have become worse haven't I. I have picked up many bad habits, I have lost my innate intelligence, I have even lost my ability to focus. What have I achieved in my achtzehn years of life to be proud of? I guess nothing, nothing at all.

Nothing. The idea of nothing. I have thought about the idea of nothing many times when I took dumps. I have also really feared for my life when I seriously considered the idea of death. Should that be a start? Should I seriously consider the prospect of death everyday? I guess I should try that out.

National day, that was sometime ago, I should tell you that I wanted to finish this letter some days ago, but I got delayed by school work (I deliberately deleted the acronym to not reveal too much about myself, which is pretty darn ironic) and stuff. So, national day. National day in this country feels weird, the same ideas are always repeated, and I gradually become bored by them. That is not saying that I don't appreciate how far we have come, but having such a short history does have many disadvantages. Firstly, people don't have a strong sense of national identity. I hate how newspaper articles in the island never provide fresh perspectives on long debated issues such as national identity, education etc. They just repeat their old points, creating some false dichotomy with some lousy discussion. Secondly, there isn't really much to reminisce for the younger generations. The younger "elite" are looking forward to move out, and many don't even feel as much sense of belonging to this nation as I do, which really, ought not to be the case. The so called idea of national day was suggested by prayers for the nation, and that sing national day song segment. It gets people hyped up, with a false sense that they appreciate the progress of a nation. (I am just generalising for easier writing, and usually such generalisations are more of criticisms of myself than real generalisations) Same like those worship sessions. Not that I have been through those sessions or anything, but with some thought, how can anyone really get closer to God (another general notion) by singing and praising? "Worship" is just a substitute for singing songs about god. It makes participants feel as if they are "closer" to god, but really, it is just singing. I much rather question my understanding of god and religion, do good deeds than to "worship". as jaded or cynical as it may sound, "worship" is just to make people feel that they are a part of some religion, and also a pretty good way of making some people want to join that religion. It is a ritual, it has nothing to do with the search of truths and seeking understanding. But more on that another time, I am digressing.

I rarely ask people for things, and I also rarely expect people to do things for me. Even for my birthdays, I really don't care about presents and whatnot. This year I want to let my parents know that I appreciate what they have done for me, and birthday is really just a day to remember the suffering your mother has gone through for your sake. But one thing I really wish for, is a close friendship. There are so many things I don't tell even my closest friends, lest they judge me the wrong way. (Do you remember the time the Brain told you that he thought you were judgmental and that you made retarded comments when you always tend to postpone judgment and you were being completely serious?) That's why I write to you. I feel very lonely sometimes, and I always feel that among my own group of friends, I am the least important and the least liked of all. There are harsh things I have said about other people, I admit I was wrong, completely wrong. But just as Lear feels others have sinned more against him than he against others, I feel more misunderstood than I have misunderstood others. Do I always try to see good in others? Certainly I think? But what do people think of me? Cynical, jaded, socially awkward, insensitive and I always like to complain whatever. I am definitely complaining now, but I rarely complain about small things. It pains me, to have lived quite a well and not have someone whom I can totally confide with. Worst of all, I don't feel needed. I could just die and it would be inconsequential. Pessimistic as it may sound, I believe I speak the truth. Yes, people who know me would be sad. But having made no contribution to the world, what does it matter? Oh, maybe I represent a hope, there could be a chance I do something great right? Those are ambitions and dreams, and I only fantasise.

So, dear friend, maybe you had supernatural powers (but anything that has happened or could happen is natural), maybe you are fate, or more postively, destiny. Could I humbly ask you to consider something? I haven't asked for any real gift for my birthdays since secondary school, nor have I received any. It sounds selfish, I agree. But please, I beg you, could you let me meet my friend on my birthday? Could you let me meet someone I am totally at ease with? Please, I am on my knees.

The class, divided, unfortunately. I personally don't like how those people lacking a particular chromosome can decide to not go to school so easily. Sure, they are outnumbered, but like my group, we keep to ourselves too much. No one is to blame, but it is just sad how some people refuse to interact on their own presumptuous basis.

movie- What movie? Princess mononoke? I shouldn't have forgotten.

I helped this guy out at a survey, I got laughed at, as if I couldn't refuse. They speak as if they have so much experience and skill that they can reject others without feeling guilty. But don't they realise that surveys are important. They are much more cynical than I am, yet I am always considered to be the cynical one. (cynical in the modern day negative sense)

If there was an encounter in life that I would never be able to forget, what would it be?

Regards,
The miserable retard.