Dear Friend 11

Dear Friend,

I am really upset today. In the morning I was annoyed by an intelligent person. I'm not sure, but probably because of his love for certainty. I do respect him, I do think he is a good person, but not a kind person. I'm quite sure he doesn't see me as his friend.

But who sees me as their friend? Who, in a dire situation, would ask for my help? I guess that's the problem of all my moodiness (if you knew who I am, you will think that this is a pun, but it is really how I feel). I don't feel that I'm needed by anyone. That feeling haunts me. It wasn't my decision to be alive, but my parents certainly don't need me. My friends don't need me. You don't need me. No one needs me. I might as well be dead and no one will mourn over my death. Sure, there will be people who will feel sad, but it doesn't matter at all. My life loss is like a loss of a luxury item, it hurts to those who bought it, but its value is overrated and since it is no necessity, it can be simply discarded. This isn't a false analogy.

Why did it affect me so much? Probably because of the realisation that I have wasted most of my life. There were so many challenges that I should have taken up, persevered through and learned from. I wasted all those opportunities, becoming the useless piece of shit I am now, addicted to the vile of consciousness. I want to change, I want to feel motivated. I want to make that leap of faith, that everything will be all right, that the dots will connect in the future. But if my existence matters to no one, and I'm not even referring to my existence to the entire world, then why the hell am I here? Look, there are so many people in the world who are suffering and don't even have to luxury to think about the purpose of their existence, to question whether the nature of morality, the constituents of the world and the supposed mechanisms behind it, and here am I, wasting my life away. 

I am privileged, but I am not needed.

What is my problem? What are the adjustments I have to make? When I asked my teacher a perfectly normal question, just to understand why I loss a couple of marks, and after explaining my reason for drawing arrows that why, I was given the reply that my drawing is horrible and unacceptable, and that I should stop complaining. I was annoyed, but what hurts me the most is that I felt so emotionally sensitive at that moment. I felt hurt (oh maybe that's how the masterchef contestants felt, and I laughed at them for crying and letting their emotions get the better of them). But maybe hurt sounds too serious and drastic as a reaction. I guess I was saddened by the way I was perceived. I am saddened by the way people think I am some emotionless bastard, with evil intentions, and cares who doesn't give a shit about others. I am not like that, but maybe it's my fault too.

The days are ending soon. I am too harsh on people sometimes, but I feel like I have already controlled myself quite well. Alright, from tomorrow onwards, I shall make a conscious effort not to make fun of anyone. I shall not make fun of anyone to gain attention. Please, I don't want any more regrets.

The Psychometric Assessment test concluded that I am emotionally insensitive and low in positive outlook. Many people probably think so too. Why can't anyone feel my sincerity? Oh well, the cliched life goes on. 

Regards,

The Retard.

The One That Got Away

You bump into your ex-lover, who you refer to as the one that got away, what would you do

A dark and rainy day. I was awoken by the tapping of the raindrops on my window. I have always loved rain, in a jungle of concrete, only mother nature brings serenity to a frustrated and lonely mind. 

It has been a year since she left me.  Funny how that is the first thing I think about every morning. I looked at the clock, and the fluorescent green light indicated it was still early. I didn't feel like going back to bed, so I opened the window and felt the calmness of the rain before it was disrupted by the mundane chores of life.

I was looking out of the window and noticed the construction site. It was incredibly noisy yesterday afternoon. The mix of the unappetising red, childish green of the almost torn down stadium and the impersonal yellow of the heavy machinery at the construction site felt unpleasant, but all emotions, including those unpleasant, fade into the melancholy of the early morning.

I wanted to go for a walk. A lonely walk, the kind that makes you feel a never ending melancholic truce. But the place I lived in never gave me such an opportunity. The city was dull with bright artificial colours. I walked towards the commerce area, passing a few pedestrian traffic lights. The traffic light man has a purpose for its existence, but hardly anything could be said about mine.

The spirit of the city was starting to come back. To many, that spirit is the vibrancy and life of the city, but for me it was duller than ever. Mechanical, monotonous, meaningless. 

I looked into her eyes, sadly and sorrowfully. At least, that's how I think I looked at her. Thoughts flashed through my mind, how is she feeling? What should I say? Did she miss me? Should I tell her? But all these thoughts distilled into an impersonal "Hi." The type of greeting you say to your old parents at an old folks home after years of disconnect. She smiled, faintly. 

"How are you?" she asked, smiling, faintly again. Her tone was light and it seemed like she expected a positive/short reply. 

"I'm fine" I said, fidgeting. Nothing felt comfortable, my palms were sweating  

And then I saw her, holding the arm of a tall, handsome fellow, smiling at him radiantly, the kind of smile that made me love her in the first place. 

That was when I knew, that she was living the happiest days of her life, and I was living in my darkest. 

When I returned home it rained again, but this time it sounded of sorrow and meaninglessness. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and hoped that the darkness of the night would consume me and my burdened life.   

Dear Friend 10

Dear Friend,

I'm sorry I haven't written to you in a while. Today is a special day. It is someone's birthday. This someone could be important to my life. Mainly because she exists in my mind too long, too often.

Below is an interesting quote from Bruce Lee:

"Empty your mind, be formless, shapeless, like water.
Now you put water in a cup, it becomes the cup
you put water in a bottle, it becomes the bottle
you put water in a teapot, it becomes the teapot
Now water can flow, or it can crash
be water my friend"

I was intrigued by how he said it. He had that sense of assurance in his speech, a kind of certainty that seems to come with knowledge and understanding. The way he spoke made it seem profound, even though, it's quite ordinary.

"a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their
application would be incomplete without it"

What is interesting about me? What is central to my identity?

1. Dual Cultural Identity
2. Passion for Science
3. Interest in Music
4. Interest in community service
5. Love for nature

I need a specific event.

Day 1:

Dear Writer's Block,

It's not you, it's me. I have been watching you across the street since last week. Ever since you guys came into the neighbourhood, my writing has been stagnant. I first became suspicious of you when you first moved in in that white van. I assumed that you had a lot of furniture, but I was shocked to see that all you had in that van was a stack of papers. I said hello to you, but you ignored me, and I really hate people like that.

When I wanted to write about your arrival on the day itself, my computer crashed. When I decided to write on a piece of foolscap, I became distracted by the peculiar colour of my ink pen. When I tried to write about your arrival the next day, I suddenly became fascinated by manga.

I know you have been spying on me. Behind those green curtains of yours I occasionally see a flicker of reflected light that must have come from your binoculars. I have drew my curtains, and I secretly spy on you through means which you will never know of. Be warned!!!

I should probably address the fact that there are several of you. Writer living in the first level of the block, could you please use some dynamics in your music? I know you practise the violin, I can hear it from hear. But your music is emotionless, just like your writing. Writer living on the second level, how the hell did you manage to vandalise the exterior of your own building? Blue, black, iodine coloured paint on a reddish, iron precipitate coloured wall. That's disgusting, and no one understands your drawing. What's that squarish thing on the wall? Could you make more sense? And writer living on the highest level, remove that lego block from your windowsill, it's annoying me.

Anyway, this letter is for me, not you.

Regards,
The Retard living opposite

Dear Friend 9

Dear Friend,

I am still very distracted, and I think I know why.
Firstly, I am still thinking about them. In school, I am on the lookout. I wish to be noticed, and I anticipate and notice. It annoys me. It bothers me. Is there something wrong with me or to other people experience such feelings too? I barely know them at all. I barely do. Yet, the feeling is strong. I hate it. Infatuations. I hate them. I search, browse and imagine, or perhaps fantasise is a better word. I hate what I am doing. Have you had to deal with this?
Secondly, the internet distracts me. But I can deal with it.

I have something to confess. I have many good friends, but I always feel like the least important, the least liked among them. It's as if there is barrier between us. My closest friends wouldn't confide in me. I learn about some things from my closest friends the last. I feel bad, is it because of the way I act that caused it. I make fun of others too often. Way too often.

I heard a song. A song that sounded of so much nostalgia and regret. I hope my song will only be one of nostalgia.

What kind of songs do you like? Well, I can't even answer that question.

You can reply to me, you know.

Regards,
The Retard

Dear Friend 8

Dear Friend,

I have accomplished more today, but I can do much more.

Tschüss!

Regards,
The Retard.

Dear Friend 7

Dear Friend,

Remind me to be more focused when I do work. Nothing much happened today, and I shan't bother you.

Regards,
The Retard.

Dear Friend 6

Dear Friend,

I should sleep soon, but I'll make this quick. I have been annoyed by comments that show no depth of thinking. I have also been annoyed by no attempt to correct a poor speech capacity. I don't like King Lear, the play, for I feel no sympathy despite it being a tragedy. I did enjoy Macbeth. The characters in King Lear, I feel, are pretty stupid. How can anyone say that Edgar is a loyal son when he turned into Tom? It is just in retrospect. That sucks.

I have been working too slowly, I should not listen to music and I need to be more focused. I should complete Act 3 scene 5 tomorrow, it will be difficult, but I also need to study grammar, which is actually, in the long run, more important.

Regards,
The Retard.

P.S. I am always tempted to put my real name.

Dear Friend 5

Dear Friend,

Today's run was bad, I felt tired too early. There are people who can run really quickly, and I want to train hard to keep my self physically fit. I could do much better, I have much more potential.

When going to the park today, it took me about 2 and a half hours, which is pretty darn long. I was listening to this song, the opening of Shingeki No Kyojin, it sounds pretty cool to me. Initially I felt that there were too many elements to the sound, and I wanted to hear a clearer and stronger vocal. There was a blur to the vocal that was kind of inhibited the feeling of the climax. And now I found out there is german in the lyrics.

I wasted a lot of time, but I justify it for rest. Tomorrow begins.

I was annoyed by pointless questions. They appear as if they know a lot, but they know nothing. Nothing at all.

I feel left out, alone, empty.

I am bothered that I care.

I am awkward.

I am useless.

Regards,
The Retard

Dear Friend 4

Dear Friend,

Haha, you didn't like that opening sentence? I'm sorry I couldn't write to you yesterday, my VAIO computer crashed after trying to restore it to factory settings, shouldn't have done that I guess. But I had a great day with the clown yesterday. I probably don't want to call him the clown now, he has been through a lot. Maybe he prefers the name Owleyes. Alright then, I'll call him owl eyes.

Owl eyes invited me to cycle at east coast yesterday. We were both late, but he was later. In fact, he was 2 hours late. But cycling was fun, for those 2 hours, I didn't have to think about anything besides cycling. I think I love cycling, and many other forms of physical exertion because for that brief period of time, I can abandon all thoughts and live in the present, be only concerned about the present. I can only focus on the force I exert on each pedal, the pain in my back, the weather, the bumpiness of the road, and the ever present caution to not brake too hard again. That's right. I fell. I braked too hard. Initially it felt like the bicycle chain came off, but owl eyes was right, I braked too hard and fell forward. The reason I applied the brakes that hard was because my left hand is used to applying that much force when braking on my own bike. Let me try to recall the scene:

I saw someone sweeping or cleaning the ground, perhaps blowing away the fallen leafs. I wanted to stop, so I gripped on the brakes. Then, in that fantastic moment, I could feel the bike lounging forward, I knew I had lost control, so I was ready to impact with my left hand and left knee. My glasses flew off on impact. In that brief moment, I was so sensitive to the surroundings that it felt like the stream of time slowed down just for me to embrace that moment, to live within it, at least for that moment. When I got up, I quickly put on my glasses and picked up my bike. I looked at the chain, kept saying that I was fine because I felt embarrassed. Actually, I felt more embarrassed that I felt embarrassed, but I guess it's okay.

I just want to highlight the brief moment before the impact. It's quite an amazing feeling that I hope I could experience again. Live in the moment.

That is something I am not good at, I am often too focused on the future and too fixated on the past that I never quite make good decisions in the present. But from today onwards, I shall work hard so that I will have no regrets.

Here is my plan of action for tomorrow:

1. I will finish editing my EE draft
2. I will do 2 scenes of Lear (at least try to finish up 1 important scene)
3. I will study SAT vocab- the plan is the revise the past vocab I have accumulated, and add on 30 words per day, 50 to 70 words on weekends
4. I will work on the ACC Poster (I can only rely on myself right?)

There are other things I have to do, for example, I need to write a resume and testimonial for myself. I need to do more research on universities. But focus on the present Retard, you will learn to be active and stay focused.

175, the crowded west

Another clear evidence of my lack of attention to the present occurs in my letters to you too. My ideas often jump far ahead of me, such that when I finish elaborating on one idea, I may or may not write it in the way I want it to be, (oh by the way, another idea came to my mind just a few seconds before), and after that I don't spend enough time elaborating on the second idea.

One thing I must reflect on is my poor performance in the recent math exams. Just to recap my greatest conceptual misunderstanding, exponential distribution is a distribution where the probability of the waiting time of an event decays exponentially. Otherwise when asked about how many events within a certain time, the question is evidently a poisson distribution where the discrete random variable is the number of times a certain event occurs.

I felt like I grasped all the content and I can understand the approach to solve the questions. However, I was not able to do them within the marked time and I failed to get correct answers. The reason is, now that I think of it, lack of good practice. Whenever I practise, I should focus on the moment and clear away all distractions. I shall learn from my mistakes. The score will probably be hard to deal with. But please do not find excuses for yourself and continue working hard.

Another thing I would like to mention is that there are some people, in this case I am talking about a certain teacher, who does not understand the difference between encouraging discussion and pressing for answers that she wants to hear.

As I was walking home, and quite recently, I have been asking myself this question, what type of irons do I like? Or when do I plan to get diamonds? I don't ask these questions myself directly, but I imagine someone asking me these questions. My answer to the former is that I want to be with somebody who makes me feel serene. I seek a certain kind of tranquillity. We could talk, but we are perfectly at ease when we are silent. It is almost as if we could read each others' thoughts, but it really doesn't matter. All that matters is the feeling that there is something beyond my own existence that is important to me. That's why, frankly, I don't know what it means to love. I can't say that I love the stubborns, because sometimes they understand me the least and they also have no fundamental respect for my intellect. But I am good with fantasies and infatuations. As to the latter, I usually say that I don't plan, or don't expect to plan, or I don't think it can be planned. When it happens it happens, it is not passivity I think, rather the acceptance or a philosophical kind of confidence that assures me that I will find the right one.

I still want to talk to her, but I know that feh is not interested in me at all. But I want to know fehr, I want to know how feh has been, what are her aspirations. I want to let fehr know about my feelings, or despicable infatuations.

That brings me to another point, I need to think about some of the books and movies I have enjoyed, and use as many despicable words as possible when writing to you. I will also be using some common app prompts or SAT prompts to open my letters to you dear friend.

Thank you so much my friend. I feel a sense of relief after writing to you, I want to do this everyday. It will be interesting to look back, but more importantly, it reminds me of the relative present and prepares me for the future.

Oh by the way, have you heard? There are advantages to being useless, that's quite interesting isn't it? Hmm... Give me some encouragement pal, tomorrow will be a good day.

Just before I end of this letter, I just want to say that I am disgusting, still looking at another fehr and wishing that I could catch fehr attention.

Run Retard Run.

Regards,
The Retard.

P.S. From henceforth I shall not write Thanks unless it feels like it. I shall end with a full stop unless it doesn't feel like it.

P.S.S. If you had a name, what would it be? Butterfly?

Dear Friend 3

Dear Friend,

It just occurred to last night that I didn't write to you. I am supposed to write to you everyday. By the way, today I plan to complete more scenes of King Lear, and plan more detailed for UNI. Darn, there are a ton of things to be done.

Firstly, we'll talk about yesterday. I didn't realise how apt the name "Stubborn" is. I was really annoyed yesterday because this is not the first time I was disrespected. The stubborns live without principles, they have no values, they have no passion in life, they have just wishful thinking, they are in some sense rather stupid and despicable. I had to say this. I hate to say this. Sometimes I despise them, but I still respect them. I think respect is the right word.

The ball's grip was good, I could feel my improvement. Step 1:Get a good grip. Step 2: Raise it above the head. Step 3: Get the elbow aiming at the basket Step 4: Get the wrist in a good position Step 5: Jump Step 6: No fore from left hand Step 7: Aim toward basket Step 8: Get the finger roll going Step 9: Follow through the release on 3 fingers Step 10: Go for rebound

That's all I really want to say, I can continue writing tonight.

Regards,
The Retard

a

Dear Friend 2

Dear Friend,

I am rather grumpy today, for no apparent reason yet I feel sufficiently justified for being so. I learned quite a few things today. Let's start with the violin lesson.

The violin lesson today was awesome, I learned so much more. Apparently this teacher is currently studying in Belgium, and I can't really figure whether she is Singaporean because she has an accent which I cannot identify. I don't even know why she is willing to teach a lousy student like me. Perhaps other students are much more talented. I played Vivaldi's Violin Concerto in A Minor absolutely flat from the start, and the way I hold the bow is unstable and produces a shaky noise which I must work to reduce. She would probably think that I am not deserving of my grade at all, and I would certainly agree. Nonetheless, I realised that I was lacking so much in terms of violin skills. She showed me how to spot phrases, to see the important notes, to vary bow lengths, bow speed, catching the string and all other basic fundamentals things that are really useful to produce interesting sound. Yes, that's what I want. I want a teacher who is knowledgeable and is able to challenge to become a better player. If I had been under her since the beginning, I would have been a much better player. But I can make that up with hard work, as I have always done. I will really work hard to refine my skill in the violin so that I won't have to be embarrassed about playing a tune for someone.

Transcendental numbers.

And then I went to the college fair. Dear Friend, I really suck at asking good questions! GOD I feel so ashamed of myself! But I did get to know some good colleges and probably will be applying to them. I was disappointed to find out how some people from good schools can be so judgemental and showed no interest in whatever I was saying. It is a good reminder to me that I shouldn't apply to a college just based on the fact that it is famous. Also, if the students can't even answer why the school is famous, then they really suck. Mein Freund, I am extremely worried!!!! I don't know if I can manage to get into a good university! Ahh... The chances for me to get into a good school are slim. I do well in school but not outstanding, I have participated in a variety of stuff but have never achieved any outstanding stuff. That's why I am worried. But I will try my very best at the ACC, although it is extremely unlikely that I will learn anything, I will use this as an opportunity to learn more about MOFs.

Meanwhile, I need to start preparing for Poster, IOC, SAT, Uni research, MOF research and testimonial writing. I feel like you are really helping me. I am able to articulate my thoughts much better after that long conversation with you yesterday. Hmmmm what else do I want to write to you?

Alright, let me start brain storming for a topic that I have always wanted to write about, Math and Music. Or was it Math and a sense of rhythm.

2,4,6,8,10... the geometric progression goes on. I started memorising the multiplication tables since primary 2, and I have always been rather proficient in math. In the Island, each train carriage has a four digit number, and I liked to use those numbers and the four operations so that they sum to 24. I rather proudly say that I have never used fingers to count, and when I was volunteering at a childcare centre, I was quite appalled by how many kids there were using fingers to count simple addition sums. I wouldn't say that I am particularly gifted at math, but I probably have a above average sense of arithmetic.

I also started learning the piano at a young age, forced and unwilllingly. Later I picked up the violin willingly, but I realised that I could not do something very fundamental- to count the beat accurately. Simple dotted rhythms in simple time can confuse me, and I really need to use my feet to count. In fact, when counting rhythms, I can at most count to 4, more than that, I will be lost. For that reason, complex times are complex for me. I use the metronome and tried to count repeatedly, but I don't have the right sense of rhythm.

BLAAA that was bad, I'll keep trying though. I need to gather more ideas into this essay.

Thanks!

Regards,
The Retard

Dear Friend 1

A series of letters written to an imaginary friend. The arrow of time points towards all directions. Thought about writing this after watching The Perks of being a Wallflower, and also after my failed attempt to write daily. I don't have many days left, I must continue writing.

Dear Friend,

There are some words that could never be spoken beyond the mind. I am a person who likes to imagine conversations with other people and myself. I fantasise a lot, and in that imaginary world I lose my senses. I lose them in the sense that I fail to reflect on my faults and misdeeds. I have become too satisfied in my comfort zone. I wish to be a better person, really, that's all I wish for. But I have not been active in making changes. So, instead of fantasising and conjuring up meaningless conversations. I shall write to you my friend. I hope you will find these letters interesting. I hope that I will gain insight to myself. I say that there are some words that could never be spoken beyond the mind for many reasons, and my mind has already produced many before I could write them down, and that in itself is a reason. The first is, I don't really have a friend to whom I can confide everything to. Sometimes I almost feel that my friends care about me, but do not see me as the most trustworthy person. I am always willing to go out and help my friends, but rarely do my friends seek me for help, and when I find out about their troubles when they have worsened or resolved, I can't help but have the selfish thought that I could have helped them in one way or another. It just makes me sad that my closest friends probably don't see me as a person who will simply be a listener, just a friend.

So I shall begin.

It was on wednesday, after the chemistry and economics exams, that I suddenly felt the urge to watch a movie and have some rest. The current examinations haven't been going so well. I studied hard alright, but I made stupid mistakes such as the HBr thingy. For some reason, I couldn't perform well in the math paper. I couldn't do simple, differentiation and integration questions, and probably would have difficulty achieving a 6 this time. But I am not frustrated. I know I will do well next time. I will be more assured. During revision, I have relied more on thorough understanding compared to past revisions. I believe I have improved.

So what was this movie? It's The Perks of being a Wallflower.  Firstly, I wasn't interested in the movie because of Emma Watson. I do think she is an interesting actor, and she is acutely aware of how people have a wrong impression of her because of the roles she plays in films. I believe they are called pseudo something relationships. The reason I felt like watching this was because I saw part of the trailer on television, and it seemed to portray a type of teenage life that I was unfamiliar to but apparently, or maybe it's just my impression, common to many teenagers and has a theme with resonates with them.

The film is about this awkward teenager, oh darn, I almost forgot his name, yes he is Charlie. Charlie is not the sociable type, like me, but he was able to find a group of close friends. The party scene is something I am totally unfamiliar, all that drinking and stuff. Charlie almost immediately likes Sam, who is played by Emma. But it is a kind of infatuation or crush that seems rather innocent. It could have purely due to appearance. I have never understood my infatuations by the way, and I try to keep them out of my head, they really have a detrimental effect to my perception of reality. The thing is, Charlie and I could be alike in some ways beyond just being unsociable and awkward. Charlie doesn't really know how to strike up a conversation and relies on the interactiveness of the other in any social conversation. He likes Sam in a way that I think is similar but probably isn't. I am rather superficial I think. Oh hell yes I am. Nope I was wrong, Charlie liked same more than just for appearance I guess, he liked the way she was able to deal with the "bad stuff", something which he couldn't do even after confessing his love for Sam. Charlie was there for his friends, and I hope to be that kind of person too. I guess I just want to feel needed. I wish to feel useful to my friends. It is probably selfish, yes, it is hard to argue that anyone could be totally altruistic at all, but it is a feeling that I really yearn for. Charlie fought, listened and loved his friends, I just wished for my friends to see me as a person who would be that kind of quiet listener. In fact you my friend, you bear the characteristics of the type of friend I want to be. You just listen and let me dig deeper into my feelings, allowing me to be free in my expression and letting me find myself, even in depression. I wish to be that kind of friend. Charlie, he was needed by almost everyone around him. He offered help to his sister, he gave support to Patrick when he needed it most, he let Mary enjoy the feeling of being in love with someone, and made Sam realise that she deserves better. Learning about Charlie's pains and dark past was probably the most interesting part of the movie. Charlie tried to hide his feelings of hatred, because the more hatred he felt, the more guilt he felt. He did all this because he was a considerate and kind person. He put everyone's burdens before himself I guess. As I reflect on my own actions, I tend to think that I have been a nice guy. But immediately I am warned that I am probably not such a person, though I really wish to be such a person. There are probably people around me who experience hardships, and by the way I am interacting with my friends now, I will never be sensitive to them, I will never be the kind of empathetic friend.

The movie ended with a tinge of melancholy that got me thinking about my soon ending junior college life. What have I learned about others or from others? How would my jc life appear on the silverscreen? Incredibly boring I guess. I have a particular infatuation that I am ashamed to speak of, even to you my friend, even to you. And I hate that I have this infatuation because it is extremely superficial. It is extremely superficial. I just hate that. I fantasise and do "bad" things and I just hate that I am reduced to such superficiality. Charlie's innocence, maybe that's not the right word. The purity of Charlie's love for Sam is something that I cannot relate to because I haven't experience anything like that in school. In a way I wish I had experienced it. But I have always had the belief that it should come naturally. Though I seriously doubt that I could confess to a girl. Haha, I am such a coward right? What would you do my friend? What would you do if you liked someone for a long time, without ever knowing why you liked that person? What would you do if you also suddenly feel like you like another person, for obvious superficial reasons?

The emotion that resonated strongly in me is the feeling of nostalgia. Sure, there are regrets, I should have worked hard in everything. I should have stayed and played basketball, believing and having the strong conviction that it is my passion and I will improve. I should have participated more to gain more in NCC. I shouldn't have backed out from the prefects' camp. I should have made it a meaningful experience. My jc life is going to end, and I will miss my friends so much. I hope they will miss me, because I am honestly not sure. I felt like I have accomplished nothing. That's why I wish I could shout to the younger me, and warn him that his passivity will kill him.

And then came thursday. I have a serious procrastination problem now. But I could get rid of it if I focus enough. It has been a long time since I was able to find sudden inspiration for language and writing, I wish I could get hold of my essays in primary school and see the kid I had been. When I look at photos of my younger self, I always see two paths. One which directly led to me, the other a more passionate and interesting individual, perhaps more popular, successful in academics and sports and having more friends. But if that path was taken, how can I ever say that that was a different me, not simply an indifferent life of someone else?

And then came friday. I performed reallly badly on the mathematics test again. When I get back the test paper, I will reflect and work hard to improve my score. I played basketball with friends, and got a really bad cram on my left leg. I can still feel the tension now. I am quite offended and annoyed that someone said that it occurs 90% or everytime, as if I am born inferior. But I am not, and I shall improve my physique because I am disatisfied with it. And after an interesting moive, I walked home. Before the movie, I was speaking to the bulldozer and coincidentally he asked if I had watched the perks of being a wallflower. I get these kind of coincidences rather often. After I become aware of something, it doesn't become indifferent to my existence any more and likes to jump into my awareness more often that it previously appeared to be. Anyway, even before the movie I was talking to bulldozer and the lobster about how most people die without knowing to the best of our species' knowledge, the nature of the world we live in.

This is the point where I suddenly realise that the quiet reflection upon seeing the brilliant blue sky actually happened on wednesday. As I was walking home, I realised that I could identify the the sky as bearing my favourite colour. I am very poor at identifying my favourites by the way, and I find it weird that many are able to tell what they like most. When asked about my favourite anything, I would say that I enjoy multiple things and I had a particular affection for each of those things for different kinds of reasons and emotions. There is no such thing as a favourite for me. But that colour of the sky that day, I just loved it. I was thinking about many things. I should get into the habit of jotting them down quickly right and writing about them on the day itself so that I don't forget. But the thing that I can still remember thinking about and now I have to go back a paragraph to add an interesting fact........ Just hold on my friend! Oh in fact that backtracking made me realise that my thoughts also drifted to religion. Maybe starting a new paragraph would be better.

So first I realised how many people didn't have the luxury like me to think and philosophise about things. Many people are just suffering, some are born without the capacity to show intelligence, and others are just concerned about surviving each day, that thinking about the so called great problems of the world and the meaning of our existence become laughable. I tried to make a point in my essay that it is knowledge that gives us a sense of who we are. But isn't that a joke to those who don't have such luxury to think about the problems of knowledge? A person who has understood nothing about the world could be happy, and he will live and die. Who am I to judge that he has not lived a meaningful life? Who am I to say that he has led a sad life? These questions continue to bug me. At the end of my existence, what I consider important to myself is not important to the universe. The universe remains apathetic to my sentiments and I will just die having lived a life not decided by myself, died, and decomposed without ever knowing, the fundamental questions about the universe, knowledge and our existence and consciousness. This idea of philosophy, metaphysical thinking being a luxury led me to think that faith is a luxury. There are many problems in religion that I have considered. I was quite a Christian when I was a child, but I actually read the bible like it was mythology, and hence my favourite book in the bible is the the book of Revelations. Then I started thinking, why would God have to create anything in the first place? Why did he create a hierachy of beings? Why did he not make it innate for everyone to be aware of his existence? Why should Christianity be centred around the Jews? Why would God support anyone in war? Why didn't Jesus appear in China? Why are there so many religions? The tracing of these younger questions led me to the slightly older reminder of a very apt cartoon. The Eskimo asked the missionary, "If I don't believe in your God now that you have told me about it, I would be punished?" "Yes", the missionary replied. "Then why did you tell me about it?" The Eskimo asked. This perfectly describes of the irony of the missionary's actions. Oh by the way, I also thought a lot of how God would deal with people who didn't believe him or didn't get to know him. That's when I reached the conclusion that it really doesn't matter which religion you believe in if there really is a God. Back to the irony part. When someone preaches about the glory of god, and tells them to believe that this almighty being will bring salvation upon them, it can be ironic because the preacher does not live in the suffering of the one being preached to. Tell anyone who is struggling to survive that there is a god who cares about them. Tell anyone who is born without the ability to conceive thoughts that there is a god who gives a shit about them. To have faith is to have luxury, that is the weak meaning and realisation. But faith is admirable and a leap when one has experienced unimaginable suffering but has held on fervently with the belief that there is the almighty god, and that there is always hope. It is a leap which I cannot make, I can merely state a preference. Sure, I rather there be a god, so that I can ask him about the universe after I die.

And today, I stumbled upon the past which I didn't know about. Cries through the phone hinted of it, hypocrisy in speech revealed it, words from others spoke of it and more hypocrisy ensued and strongly suggested it. Living far apart, the stubborns' relationship was high on tension. One stubborn had a beautiful dream that was apparently torn apart. The stubborn said hypocritical things which she probably forgot but the retard will never forget. The retard despises hypocrisy above all else. Living apart, the stubborns never really got to understand each other and resolve tensions. Apparently life wasn't so easy economically for the stubborns. They tried hard, but the retard felt a sense of disgust somehow after seeing those documents. The retard witnessed a series of written prayers in poorly written english, (can you imagine, living here for 11 years and not knowing how to spell the name of the district you live in, without any good sense of grammar, and a poor command of english even till this day. Even worse at Chinese, jumbled speech that has annoyed and affected the Retard's command for the language), asking god to give the other stubborn interviews, jobs, telling god how that stubborn has had much experience in the industry. The retard was appalled and disgusted. He realised, as he had realised before, that neither of the stubborns have thought seriously about the existence of god, and used the notion of god as a wishing well. Using god as a wishing well for mundane demands. The stubborn expressed stupid sentimentality without realising that she wasn't thinking hard enough, just being in her own world. The retard should feel guilt and remorse, and he will probably be feeling that way when he reads this again, but the thing is that this is exactly the way he felt, the retard had no sympathy whatsoever. Perhaps the stubborn had much suffering, no she had a great deal of suffering. But it was the poor sense of english, which demonstrated a lack of willingness to seek improvement and improve, the stupid demands from god and stupid wish that god may bless us that irritated the retard. When the retard saw a video of him wishing for acceptance into good schools during his birthday. Affected by the stubborns perhaps, the younger retard failed to realise the hypocrisy of his actions, and felt even more repulsed by the video. The stubborns never knew the retard well and probably won't. The retard experienced a life that gave him a critical insight towards anything that could be retained in his mind. This sense of criticality caused him to not be the friend he wished to be.

I am sorry that I have to end on such a depressing note my friend. I shall conjure up identities for you perhaps. But I am glad that I have finished writing my very first letter to you.

Thanks.

Regards,
The Retard.

Di Project

Problems to define

empathise, define, ideate, prototype, test

I will start a project in a non linear fashion, and this time I will be committed, fully.

I shall interact with people, be less judgemental, adopt a baby learning attitude empathise and learn about their emotions, to understand their needs and gain insights from them.

I shall define short, specific and sexy questions/problems

I shall draw out solutions/ideas

I will prototype them with LEGO!!! and other fun materials

I will test them out!

Vague, but I like it this way.

My greatest failure

My greatest failure is represented, ironically by the following words which I wrote in Chinese calligraphy:

   持      集

  之       思

  以       广

  恒       益

     

Math

I failed. I was prepared but I failed. Why? Why couldn't I perform?