Dear Friend,
My plan for tomorrow
Econs
Chem
Math
English
I feel odd, I feel displaced. A weird sense of melancholy. Writing those letters felt good, only because I felt good about myself. But when I am physically, with my friends in person, I often feel a sense of disconnect. I sometimes feel like an outsider. And perhaps I am.
Ultimately, I am a forgettable character. I keep things to myself, and though I often fantasise of the wisdom I can impart to others, the intimate revelations and confidences of friends elude me. The only time, I gave sound advice, was to a friend I barely knew. Maybe I can only offer good advice by coincidence.
I guess, while writing those letters, I hoped that someone would notice how lonely I feel. I hoped that someone would see, beyond the ugly genetic construct of an asymmetrical face, that the perceptive me needed company. I have always, almost always, no, maybe just always, or perhaps, almost always, in any case I'm not sure, kept my truest emotions to myself.
These days I just seem happy and content, but I feel a deep sense of idleness that compels me to be easily distracted. I will shrug that off tomorrow. My parents never understood why I barely spoke to them for those two weeks. It wasn't because of the stress. It was because, or shall I say, it is because of their insensitivity.
At the time when all I wanted to do was to focus, intently, she kept distracting me with other mundane things. I tried to stay calm, but showed obvious and visible signs of anger. Finally when she noticed, I said I was becoming crazy. And it was true. I had so much angst within me. I was unhappy that she was inconsiderate, and sad at the fact that for a long time, I haven't done anything intellectually stimulating that resonated with a sense of "passion" within me. I was drifting through life, unhappily, and I constantly feel lonely despite the good friends I have. And with the revelation that I was becoming crazy, all she said was to ask me to not be crazy. It may be presumptuous of me to blame her, but it is exactly how I feel. In this home, I cannot have an intellectual discussion. It may sound arrogant, but I can hardly talk to shallow people whom I respect. Maybe I will find myself repulsive for writing this now, but at least it is the truth. I just cannot speak to them about things I felt interested in. Sometimes they would listen, but their comments are rarely interesting. There is no sense of critical judgement.
I was on the verge of being crazy, I was becoming violent, I felt the strong urge to punch and violently beat something, or someone up. She was oblivious to that, and that I can't blame her. And so I ran down to the park, ran while crying, and after a while I sat down on the bench, crying. I don't know why I cried. I had no one to confide in, so I had to stay strong. I cried in a sad way, and I felt like shit. I felt horrible. I don't have an explanation for that, all I could say, is that I returned home with my tears dry with resentment. I realised that I had nothing to speak to them about. They were boring. And then they blamed me for being a recluse, but I really couldn't be bothered. I just had nothing to say, and she became angry with me. And yesterday she thought the happy me came back, it was just nonsense. I don't feel particularly happy or sad, just bored of my life. Bored of anything really. To put it bluntly, they are stupid people, and I worse flaws than them.
I just feel so much angst now. I could leave the world and nobody would care, at all. I think I repel people all the time, and even my closest friends wouldn't divulge their emotions to me. I guess I will be a loner forever.
Regards,
The Retard.
Friday, October 18, 2013
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Dear Friend 20
Dear Friend 20,
If I imagine you to be a real person, what would I want to know about you? Probably everything. This letter shall be a personal one.
The day started with the Math Paper 3 exam. I was rather confident about statistics but then I made 2 mistakes. The first being a question which I couldn't understand while the second being just carelessness. Compared to past year papers, this year's paper was longer and slightly more challenging.
A well established genius was extremely annoyed by the paper and went on a rant for about an hour. I was annoyed at some point because he had told himself to stay calm many times but eventually went on a rant about the same thing multiple times with almost the same emotional intensity. As usual, whenever I feel some annoyance, I immediately analyse the situation and so I felt that this genius had all the right to complain and that I shouldn't be annoyed for his expression of emotion.
I feel immensely insecure about my height and appearance. It never bothered me until last year. I really want to grow at least 10 cm taller and I really despise my acne. I pretty much dislike almost everything about myself, especially how asymmetrical my body is.
After talking to friends for a while, I went home. It rained pretty heavily today. Then I went to get a haircut. I didn't exactly like it because my hair is still asymmetrical. After that I went to get a photo for the US Visa. The person at Photohub spoke in a very soft tone, and I responded to her in the same volume. It is interesting how conversations can be symmetrical in volume. I didn't like the photo either, although it was better than expected. Once again, I despise my asymmetry.
I had a difficult time deciding what to eat. Eventually I settled on Macs, which is unhealthy but I didn't care as much. The burger was good though.
And finally, I should talk about the movie Ilo Ilo. In general, it was an interesting movie and pretty well shot.
Interesting because the sentiments were so genuine. Well shot because the details were convincingly 1990.
It was so genuine that there was a lack of drama, a lack of dramatic tension. But not exactly boring. When the characters show their emotion, it is natural but not unrestrained.
Perhaps the reason why the movie hasn't been so popular in the island is because there is nothing really interesting of seeing a life well known on the silver screen.
Regards,
The Distracted
If I imagine you to be a real person, what would I want to know about you? Probably everything. This letter shall be a personal one.
The day started with the Math Paper 3 exam. I was rather confident about statistics but then I made 2 mistakes. The first being a question which I couldn't understand while the second being just carelessness. Compared to past year papers, this year's paper was longer and slightly more challenging.
A well established genius was extremely annoyed by the paper and went on a rant for about an hour. I was annoyed at some point because he had told himself to stay calm many times but eventually went on a rant about the same thing multiple times with almost the same emotional intensity. As usual, whenever I feel some annoyance, I immediately analyse the situation and so I felt that this genius had all the right to complain and that I shouldn't be annoyed for his expression of emotion.
I feel immensely insecure about my height and appearance. It never bothered me until last year. I really want to grow at least 10 cm taller and I really despise my acne. I pretty much dislike almost everything about myself, especially how asymmetrical my body is.
After talking to friends for a while, I went home. It rained pretty heavily today. Then I went to get a haircut. I didn't exactly like it because my hair is still asymmetrical. After that I went to get a photo for the US Visa. The person at Photohub spoke in a very soft tone, and I responded to her in the same volume. It is interesting how conversations can be symmetrical in volume. I didn't like the photo either, although it was better than expected. Once again, I despise my asymmetry.
I had a difficult time deciding what to eat. Eventually I settled on Macs, which is unhealthy but I didn't care as much. The burger was good though.
And finally, I should talk about the movie Ilo Ilo. In general, it was an interesting movie and pretty well shot.
Interesting because the sentiments were so genuine. Well shot because the details were convincingly 1990.
It was so genuine that there was a lack of drama, a lack of dramatic tension. But not exactly boring. When the characters show their emotion, it is natural but not unrestrained.
Perhaps the reason why the movie hasn't been so popular in the island is because there is nothing really interesting of seeing a life well known on the silver screen.
Regards,
The Distracted
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Dear Friend 16
Dear Friend,
I would like to briefly discuss two issues.
The first is regarding ignorance and boredom.
Today, I was told that "Engineering is boring". I was immediately offended and told the person that that was the end of the conversation. (As you probably know, I wish to study engineering in the future because I am passionate about science and technology)
The person was a stubborn.
This Stubborn told me that she is entitled to her opinion. I felt like telling her that she has absolutely no knowledge about engineering, or science for that matter. She claims to have gained some knowledge after living for 50 years, but obviously she has led a boring life, living without thinking, living without reflecting, living without a sense of purpose.
It really bothered me that she thinks she is entitled to an opinion in a matter which she has absolutely no knowledge. Absolutely none! She didn't even make her own decisions about her careers, and what are the struggles about her life that make her extraordinary? None!
I could go on and on about the stubborn's ignorance, and my fear of such inheritance. But who am I to condemn her? Who am I to say another person's life is boring? Who am I? Many people live their lives without engaging themselves in some intellectual quest. Yet, they still lead normal lives. Who am I to judge that they have lived without meaning, as if my life will turn out any better. But this is me, I am a person who is concerned about states of consciousness. I am insistent that a life must be meaningful, that a life has no meaning if it is not lived meaningfully (that is to say, I reserve the term "life" for a meaningful existence), an such meaning is based on living life to the fullest of one's capabilities and circumstances, living life constantly question its purpose and meaning, living life in accordance to moral values. (Morals? I still cannot resolve what I have learned to distil into my own understanding) Living blindly, so it seems, is looked down upon by my principles. BUT I AM PRIVILEGED. I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH THE OPPORTUNITIES TO CONTEMPLATE ON THE PURPOSE OF LIFE. SURE, THE STUBBORN COULD HAVE DONE THE SAME, BUT WHO AM I TO JUDGE!!!!!
Perhaps, therefore, my greatest talent is in making judgements and refuting them immediately.
On to the second issue. (When writing letters to you, I should be more focused, ignore all the other tabs. Similarly, I should be more confident in writing bullshit when practising essays)
I read an article calling Christians to be stupid for god. Yes, that is the title. The essential argument is that one does not have to be perfect to preach the word of god. One does not have to live fully according to good morals to spread god's word. One does not have to question, nor does he have to understand, to inquire, to seek knowledge about the existence of god and its implications, to preach about his presence.
Many people shared the article, presumably finding its rhetoric powerful. Look, do you see what it is saying? It is saying that you can be a hypocrite. Even worse, that you do not need to question to convince others about your religion! I strongly believe against that. The relationship between a person and his god is strictly personal. The person must always question, or else his faith is meaningless.
On the other hand, the article may just be suggesting that one shouldn't be afraid to preach despite his own perfections, rather than arguing that questioning is unnecessary. But of course it is necessary! Otherwise you are just a blind advertisement! You must seek to understand to your best ability, if not you have not made the leap of faith, and without that leap of faith, you have no faith to preach, you are preaching blindness and ignorance.
And definitely, your actions bear credibility to your claims. A pervert cannot preach respect, for how can a human claim to preach wolf-speak when he knows none. (That leads back to the first issue doesn't it?)
But such certain beliefs (certain meaning no uncertainty) are not faith, faith is always a leap. A blind leap is not faith. Faith is when you accept that you are insignificant to the vastness of the world, and you accept the limitations of your capabilities. Faith is when you suffer but never lose hope, because you believe in the meaning of your own existence despite the insignificance of it. Faith is when you make a conscious decision, that by making this leap you will stand at a greater height. But faith unquestioning faith is not faith. Faith is the most harsh form of questioning that ceaselessly presses for answers, but the faithful insists, for the sake of hope and meaning for his own existence.
To quote Nietzsche: "If you want to be a disciple of truth, inquire."
And God is supposed to be the truth.
Regards,
The Retard.
P.S. Plan, email, organise, work hard.
I would like to briefly discuss two issues.
The first is regarding ignorance and boredom.
Today, I was told that "Engineering is boring". I was immediately offended and told the person that that was the end of the conversation. (As you probably know, I wish to study engineering in the future because I am passionate about science and technology)
The person was a stubborn.
This Stubborn told me that she is entitled to her opinion. I felt like telling her that she has absolutely no knowledge about engineering, or science for that matter. She claims to have gained some knowledge after living for 50 years, but obviously she has led a boring life, living without thinking, living without reflecting, living without a sense of purpose.
It really bothered me that she thinks she is entitled to an opinion in a matter which she has absolutely no knowledge. Absolutely none! She didn't even make her own decisions about her careers, and what are the struggles about her life that make her extraordinary? None!
I could go on and on about the stubborn's ignorance, and my fear of such inheritance. But who am I to condemn her? Who am I to say another person's life is boring? Who am I? Many people live their lives without engaging themselves in some intellectual quest. Yet, they still lead normal lives. Who am I to judge that they have lived without meaning, as if my life will turn out any better. But this is me, I am a person who is concerned about states of consciousness. I am insistent that a life must be meaningful, that a life has no meaning if it is not lived meaningfully (that is to say, I reserve the term "life" for a meaningful existence), an such meaning is based on living life to the fullest of one's capabilities and circumstances, living life constantly question its purpose and meaning, living life in accordance to moral values. (Morals? I still cannot resolve what I have learned to distil into my own understanding) Living blindly, so it seems, is looked down upon by my principles. BUT I AM PRIVILEGED. I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH THE OPPORTUNITIES TO CONTEMPLATE ON THE PURPOSE OF LIFE. SURE, THE STUBBORN COULD HAVE DONE THE SAME, BUT WHO AM I TO JUDGE!!!!!
Perhaps, therefore, my greatest talent is in making judgements and refuting them immediately.
On to the second issue. (When writing letters to you, I should be more focused, ignore all the other tabs. Similarly, I should be more confident in writing bullshit when practising essays)
I read an article calling Christians to be stupid for god. Yes, that is the title. The essential argument is that one does not have to be perfect to preach the word of god. One does not have to live fully according to good morals to spread god's word. One does not have to question, nor does he have to understand, to inquire, to seek knowledge about the existence of god and its implications, to preach about his presence.
Many people shared the article, presumably finding its rhetoric powerful. Look, do you see what it is saying? It is saying that you can be a hypocrite. Even worse, that you do not need to question to convince others about your religion! I strongly believe against that. The relationship between a person and his god is strictly personal. The person must always question, or else his faith is meaningless.
On the other hand, the article may just be suggesting that one shouldn't be afraid to preach despite his own perfections, rather than arguing that questioning is unnecessary. But of course it is necessary! Otherwise you are just a blind advertisement! You must seek to understand to your best ability, if not you have not made the leap of faith, and without that leap of faith, you have no faith to preach, you are preaching blindness and ignorance.
And definitely, your actions bear credibility to your claims. A pervert cannot preach respect, for how can a human claim to preach wolf-speak when he knows none. (That leads back to the first issue doesn't it?)
But such certain beliefs (certain meaning no uncertainty) are not faith, faith is always a leap. A blind leap is not faith. Faith is when you accept that you are insignificant to the vastness of the world, and you accept the limitations of your capabilities. Faith is when you suffer but never lose hope, because you believe in the meaning of your own existence despite the insignificance of it. Faith is when you make a conscious decision, that by making this leap you will stand at a greater height. But faith unquestioning faith is not faith. Faith is the most harsh form of questioning that ceaselessly presses for answers, but the faithful insists, for the sake of hope and meaning for his own existence.
To quote Nietzsche: "If you want to be a disciple of truth, inquire."
And God is supposed to be the truth.
Regards,
The Retard.
P.S. Plan, email, organise, work hard.
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Dear Friend 14
Dear Friend,
There are many things to talk about.
First, let's talk about the speech given by a successful alumnus today during National Day's ceremony. ( I was about to write celebration when I realised that ceremony is much more appropriate.) He began the speech in Chinese, which for our school culture, was odd. One could say that the school's name became a misnomer over time. Then he talked about global competition. More specifically, he talked about how there will be increased foreign competition, and the so called "Asian Century". Accepting the fact that Asian Nations are developing at a faster pace and are catching up, he thinks that China and India will become more dominant in the global arena. As a result, we might have to speak Chinese to our employers one day. That explains why he began the speech in Chinese, to make a pertinent point. To be honest, I didn't listen to the speech that attentively. I don't really have the talent or natural inclination to make a speech that flows to another point naturally, but on a macroscale seems rather unfocused but well organised at the same time. And then the speaker went on to talk about how the school is provides us with a great education that will make us prepared for the challenges of the future. Of course, before that he also mentioned how his generation of the school is different from our generation. I believe he also briefly discussed the notion of "success". And even within 6 years, I myself have witnessed significant changes in the school.
But what I really want to talk about is his speech. It seemed odd, especially with the Chinese opening. I'm nor sure how others received the speech, but I did find it interesting. For some, it might be totally irrelevant to National Day, or to the so called inculcation of "important principles and values". But I think the speaker was interesting, he had more things to tell, he tried to give us some kind of confidence and practical reminder to the challenges that we shall face. I imagine myself in his shoes. If I were to come back to school to give a speech, what would I talk about? I would feel extremely nostalgic, knowing that some of my best days, and the best friends I have made are in this institution. Perhaps I would feel like reminiscing about my good ole days. Perhaps, as an alumnus who has seen and ventured into the brave new world, I want to warn my juniors about the perils that lie ahead. All those sentiments will condense to practical advice that sounds distant and in fact not useful at all. Sad isn't it? Then why you try to speak about ideals, or maybe your interesting life, or maybe encouraging people to cherish their time in the school, what kind of lasting impact does it have? I have listened to countless inspirational and moving speeches that tell me to have faith in the wonders of life, or something to becoming a better person. But I have become worse haven't I. I have picked up many bad habits, I have lost my innate intelligence, I have even lost my ability to focus. What have I achieved in my achtzehn years of life to be proud of? I guess nothing, nothing at all.
Nothing. The idea of nothing. I have thought about the idea of nothing many times when I took dumps. I have also really feared for my life when I seriously considered the idea of death. Should that be a start? Should I seriously consider the prospect of death everyday? I guess I should try that out.
National day, that was sometime ago, I should tell you that I wanted to finish this letter some days ago, but I got delayed by school work (I deliberately deleted the acronym to not reveal too much about myself, which is pretty darn ironic) and stuff. So, national day. National day in this country feels weird, the same ideas are always repeated, and I gradually become bored by them. That is not saying that I don't appreciate how far we have come, but having such a short history does have many disadvantages. Firstly, people don't have a strong sense of national identity. I hate how newspaper articles in the island never provide fresh perspectives on long debated issues such as national identity, education etc. They just repeat their old points, creating some false dichotomy with some lousy discussion. Secondly, there isn't really much to reminisce for the younger generations. The younger "elite" are looking forward to move out, and many don't even feel as much sense of belonging to this nation as I do, which really, ought not to be the case. The so called idea of national day was suggested by prayers for the nation, and that sing national day song segment. It gets people hyped up, with a false sense that they appreciate the progress of a nation. (I am just generalising for easier writing, and usually such generalisations are more of criticisms of myself than real generalisations) Same like those worship sessions. Not that I have been through those sessions or anything, but with some thought, how can anyone really get closer to God (another general notion) by singing and praising? "Worship" is just a substitute for singing songs about god. It makes participants feel as if they are "closer" to god, but really, it is just singing. I much rather question my understanding of god and religion, do good deeds than to "worship". as jaded or cynical as it may sound, "worship" is just to make people feel that they are a part of some religion, and also a pretty good way of making some people want to join that religion. It is a ritual, it has nothing to do with the search of truths and seeking understanding. But more on that another time, I am digressing.
I rarely ask people for things, and I also rarely expect people to do things for me. Even for my birthdays, I really don't care about presents and whatnot. This year I want to let my parents know that I appreciate what they have done for me, and birthday is really just a day to remember the suffering your mother has gone through for your sake. But one thing I really wish for, is a close friendship. There are so many things I don't tell even my closest friends, lest they judge me the wrong way. (Do you remember the time the Brain told you that he thought you were judgmental and that you made retarded comments when you always tend to postpone judgment and you were being completely serious?) That's why I write to you. I feel very lonely sometimes, and I always feel that among my own group of friends, I am the least important and the least liked of all. There are harsh things I have said about other people, I admit I was wrong, completely wrong. But just as Lear feels others have sinned more against him than he against others, I feel more misunderstood than I have misunderstood others. Do I always try to see good in others? Certainly I think? But what do people think of me? Cynical, jaded, socially awkward, insensitive and I always like to complain whatever. I am definitely complaining now, but I rarely complain about small things. It pains me, to have lived quite a well and not have someone whom I can totally confide with. Worst of all, I don't feel needed. I could just die and it would be inconsequential. Pessimistic as it may sound, I believe I speak the truth. Yes, people who know me would be sad. But having made no contribution to the world, what does it matter? Oh, maybe I represent a hope, there could be a chance I do something great right? Those are ambitions and dreams, and I only fantasise.
So, dear friend, maybe you had supernatural powers (but anything that has happened or could happen is natural), maybe you are fate, or more postively, destiny. Could I humbly ask you to consider something? I haven't asked for any real gift for my birthdays since secondary school, nor have I received any. It sounds selfish, I agree. But please, I beg you, could you let me meet my friend on my birthday? Could you let me meet someone I am totally at ease with? Please, I am on my knees.
The class, divided, unfortunately. I personally don't like how those people lacking a particular chromosome can decide to not go to school so easily. Sure, they are outnumbered, but like my group, we keep to ourselves too much. No one is to blame, but it is just sad how some people refuse to interact on their own presumptuous basis.
movie- What movie? Princess mononoke? I shouldn't have forgotten.
I helped this guy out at a survey, I got laughed at, as if I couldn't refuse. They speak as if they have so much experience and skill that they can reject others without feeling guilty. But don't they realise that surveys are important. They are much more cynical than I am, yet I am always considered to be the cynical one. (cynical in the modern day negative sense)
If there was an encounter in life that I would never be able to forget, what would it be?
Regards,
The miserable retard.
There are many things to talk about.
First, let's talk about the speech given by a successful alumnus today during National Day's ceremony. ( I was about to write celebration when I realised that ceremony is much more appropriate.) He began the speech in Chinese, which for our school culture, was odd. One could say that the school's name became a misnomer over time. Then he talked about global competition. More specifically, he talked about how there will be increased foreign competition, and the so called "Asian Century". Accepting the fact that Asian Nations are developing at a faster pace and are catching up, he thinks that China and India will become more dominant in the global arena. As a result, we might have to speak Chinese to our employers one day. That explains why he began the speech in Chinese, to make a pertinent point. To be honest, I didn't listen to the speech that attentively. I don't really have the talent or natural inclination to make a speech that flows to another point naturally, but on a macroscale seems rather unfocused but well organised at the same time. And then the speaker went on to talk about how the school is provides us with a great education that will make us prepared for the challenges of the future. Of course, before that he also mentioned how his generation of the school is different from our generation. I believe he also briefly discussed the notion of "success". And even within 6 years, I myself have witnessed significant changes in the school.
But what I really want to talk about is his speech. It seemed odd, especially with the Chinese opening. I'm nor sure how others received the speech, but I did find it interesting. For some, it might be totally irrelevant to National Day, or to the so called inculcation of "important principles and values". But I think the speaker was interesting, he had more things to tell, he tried to give us some kind of confidence and practical reminder to the challenges that we shall face. I imagine myself in his shoes. If I were to come back to school to give a speech, what would I talk about? I would feel extremely nostalgic, knowing that some of my best days, and the best friends I have made are in this institution. Perhaps I would feel like reminiscing about my good ole days. Perhaps, as an alumnus who has seen and ventured into the brave new world, I want to warn my juniors about the perils that lie ahead. All those sentiments will condense to practical advice that sounds distant and in fact not useful at all. Sad isn't it? Then why you try to speak about ideals, or maybe your interesting life, or maybe encouraging people to cherish their time in the school, what kind of lasting impact does it have? I have listened to countless inspirational and moving speeches that tell me to have faith in the wonders of life, or something to becoming a better person. But I have become worse haven't I. I have picked up many bad habits, I have lost my innate intelligence, I have even lost my ability to focus. What have I achieved in my achtzehn years of life to be proud of? I guess nothing, nothing at all.
Nothing. The idea of nothing. I have thought about the idea of nothing many times when I took dumps. I have also really feared for my life when I seriously considered the idea of death. Should that be a start? Should I seriously consider the prospect of death everyday? I guess I should try that out.
National day, that was sometime ago, I should tell you that I wanted to finish this letter some days ago, but I got delayed by school work (I deliberately deleted the acronym to not reveal too much about myself, which is pretty darn ironic) and stuff. So, national day. National day in this country feels weird, the same ideas are always repeated, and I gradually become bored by them. That is not saying that I don't appreciate how far we have come, but having such a short history does have many disadvantages. Firstly, people don't have a strong sense of national identity. I hate how newspaper articles in the island never provide fresh perspectives on long debated issues such as national identity, education etc. They just repeat their old points, creating some false dichotomy with some lousy discussion. Secondly, there isn't really much to reminisce for the younger generations. The younger "elite" are looking forward to move out, and many don't even feel as much sense of belonging to this nation as I do, which really, ought not to be the case. The so called idea of national day was suggested by prayers for the nation, and that sing national day song segment. It gets people hyped up, with a false sense that they appreciate the progress of a nation. (I am just generalising for easier writing, and usually such generalisations are more of criticisms of myself than real generalisations) Same like those worship sessions. Not that I have been through those sessions or anything, but with some thought, how can anyone really get closer to God (another general notion) by singing and praising? "Worship" is just a substitute for singing songs about god. It makes participants feel as if they are "closer" to god, but really, it is just singing. I much rather question my understanding of god and religion, do good deeds than to "worship". as jaded or cynical as it may sound, "worship" is just to make people feel that they are a part of some religion, and also a pretty good way of making some people want to join that religion. It is a ritual, it has nothing to do with the search of truths and seeking understanding. But more on that another time, I am digressing.
I rarely ask people for things, and I also rarely expect people to do things for me. Even for my birthdays, I really don't care about presents and whatnot. This year I want to let my parents know that I appreciate what they have done for me, and birthday is really just a day to remember the suffering your mother has gone through for your sake. But one thing I really wish for, is a close friendship. There are so many things I don't tell even my closest friends, lest they judge me the wrong way. (Do you remember the time the Brain told you that he thought you were judgmental and that you made retarded comments when you always tend to postpone judgment and you were being completely serious?) That's why I write to you. I feel very lonely sometimes, and I always feel that among my own group of friends, I am the least important and the least liked of all. There are harsh things I have said about other people, I admit I was wrong, completely wrong. But just as Lear feels others have sinned more against him than he against others, I feel more misunderstood than I have misunderstood others. Do I always try to see good in others? Certainly I think? But what do people think of me? Cynical, jaded, socially awkward, insensitive and I always like to complain whatever. I am definitely complaining now, but I rarely complain about small things. It pains me, to have lived quite a well and not have someone whom I can totally confide with. Worst of all, I don't feel needed. I could just die and it would be inconsequential. Pessimistic as it may sound, I believe I speak the truth. Yes, people who know me would be sad. But having made no contribution to the world, what does it matter? Oh, maybe I represent a hope, there could be a chance I do something great right? Those are ambitions and dreams, and I only fantasise.
So, dear friend, maybe you had supernatural powers (but anything that has happened or could happen is natural), maybe you are fate, or more postively, destiny. Could I humbly ask you to consider something? I haven't asked for any real gift for my birthdays since secondary school, nor have I received any. It sounds selfish, I agree. But please, I beg you, could you let me meet my friend on my birthday? Could you let me meet someone I am totally at ease with? Please, I am on my knees.
The class, divided, unfortunately. I personally don't like how those people lacking a particular chromosome can decide to not go to school so easily. Sure, they are outnumbered, but like my group, we keep to ourselves too much. No one is to blame, but it is just sad how some people refuse to interact on their own presumptuous basis.
movie- What movie? Princess mononoke? I shouldn't have forgotten.
I helped this guy out at a survey, I got laughed at, as if I couldn't refuse. They speak as if they have so much experience and skill that they can reject others without feeling guilty. But don't they realise that surveys are important. They are much more cynical than I am, yet I am always considered to be the cynical one. (cynical in the modern day negative sense)
If there was an encounter in life that I would never be able to forget, what would it be?
Regards,
The miserable retard.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Monday, August 5, 2013
About Friends
I am pretty darn optimistic towards life in general, but pretty darn pessimistic towards others' perception of me. In other words, I have faith in humanity and none in myself.
That's why, even though I have friends whom I really love and respect, I always feel insecure as to whether they see me as their friend.
That's why, even though I have friends whom I really love and respect, I always feel insecure as to whether they see me as their friend.
Dear Friend 13
Dear Friend,
Today I had an interesting discuss with a friend. It seemed trivial but I think it has some importance because I have never made this fact explicitly known to my consciousness.
So, a fake privacy screen filter. If a privacy filter does not work at all, it cannot be called a fake privacy filter because it is not. A more extreme example is that you can't call a human a fake dog, because a human is not a dog. The notion of "fake" comes to play when someone (a human) insists that something is something else. So, if someone insists a piece of useless plastic is a privacy filter, then it can be called a "fake". Seems trivial doesn't it? But the declaration and intention of the human is crucial, and somehow at least for me, I often neglect that. Just like in scenarios of Common Knowledge, the declaration by a human is significant. Here, the declaration by someone that something is something else is a necessary condition for something to be called a fake.
Okay, then what about "山寨" products? They are copycat, but not fake. In fact, some order of knowledge that is related to common knowledge is applied here. (Pardon me if I use the concepts wrongly, and I am pretty darn sure I did) The consumers of the 山寨 products know that that the producers know that the consumers know the products are 山寨. I think in most cases 山寨 products do not market themselves as the real deal of some known brand. They copy the whole deal, but they may even be marketed as 山寨. So the idea of fake does not apply here, because there is no intention to declare something as something else. However, copyright infringements do apply since essentially, they are not paying for the rights to use the so called "intellectual property".
And I suddenly recall a CGP grey video, which stated that copyright is a contract between society and content producers (artistic, scientific, literary) (content is bad diction on my part) to promote the progress of science and "useful" arts by securing for limited times the exclusive rights to their respective works. This seems reasonable from an economic point of view. For artists, it allows them to earn money directly. For scientists, who spend time and effort in developing new technologies or making new discoveries, this gives them the economic incentive to work too. Since many scientists are funded by corporations, corporations are only willing to fund if they can make profit. Without copyrights, firms will be unwilling to invest in research and development since other firms can used the results of their hard earned research and make more profits, since those firms do not have to bear the initial cost of investing in research.
The key is, copyright has to apply for a limited period of time. In my opinion, it should be within the author's lifetime. CGP grey's video said that there is a life + 70 years copyright extension, and this definitely defeats the purpose of copyrights. The limited period of time should be long enough such that it encourages production of original content from all authors and short enough such that the original author has to produce new content. But that is hard to determine, and given the short sightedness of many, it is probably impossible to remove the copyright extension now, and that's a sad thing.
Mystery Cookie One Day: you come into work and find a cookie mysteriously placed on your desk. Grateful to whoever left this anonymous cookie, you eat it. The next morning you come in and find another cookie. This continues for months until one Day a different object is left—and this time there’s a note.
This is a super cool idea!!!!
Love, horror, mystery, thriller and complete waste of time!!!
A Diary may be a suitable text type.
That's write! (haha the pun!)
I also want to write about prawns.
Emotion reflections? Ha, legs and infats.
Regards,
The Retard.
Today I had an interesting discuss with a friend. It seemed trivial but I think it has some importance because I have never made this fact explicitly known to my consciousness.
So, a fake privacy screen filter. If a privacy filter does not work at all, it cannot be called a fake privacy filter because it is not. A more extreme example is that you can't call a human a fake dog, because a human is not a dog. The notion of "fake" comes to play when someone (a human) insists that something is something else. So, if someone insists a piece of useless plastic is a privacy filter, then it can be called a "fake". Seems trivial doesn't it? But the declaration and intention of the human is crucial, and somehow at least for me, I often neglect that. Just like in scenarios of Common Knowledge, the declaration by a human is significant. Here, the declaration by someone that something is something else is a necessary condition for something to be called a fake.
Okay, then what about "山寨" products? They are copycat, but not fake. In fact, some order of knowledge that is related to common knowledge is applied here. (Pardon me if I use the concepts wrongly, and I am pretty darn sure I did) The consumers of the 山寨 products know that that the producers know that the consumers know the products are 山寨. I think in most cases 山寨 products do not market themselves as the real deal of some known brand. They copy the whole deal, but they may even be marketed as 山寨. So the idea of fake does not apply here, because there is no intention to declare something as something else. However, copyright infringements do apply since essentially, they are not paying for the rights to use the so called "intellectual property".
And I suddenly recall a CGP grey video, which stated that copyright is a contract between society and content producers (artistic, scientific, literary) (content is bad diction on my part) to promote the progress of science and "useful" arts by securing for limited times the exclusive rights to their respective works. This seems reasonable from an economic point of view. For artists, it allows them to earn money directly. For scientists, who spend time and effort in developing new technologies or making new discoveries, this gives them the economic incentive to work too. Since many scientists are funded by corporations, corporations are only willing to fund if they can make profit. Without copyrights, firms will be unwilling to invest in research and development since other firms can used the results of their hard earned research and make more profits, since those firms do not have to bear the initial cost of investing in research.
The key is, copyright has to apply for a limited period of time. In my opinion, it should be within the author's lifetime. CGP grey's video said that there is a life + 70 years copyright extension, and this definitely defeats the purpose of copyrights. The limited period of time should be long enough such that it encourages production of original content from all authors and short enough such that the original author has to produce new content. But that is hard to determine, and given the short sightedness of many, it is probably impossible to remove the copyright extension now, and that's a sad thing.
Mystery Cookie One Day: you come into work and find a cookie mysteriously placed on your desk. Grateful to whoever left this anonymous cookie, you eat it. The next morning you come in and find another cookie. This continues for months until one Day a different object is left—and this time there’s a note.
This is a super cool idea!!!!
Love, horror, mystery, thriller and complete waste of time!!!
A Diary may be a suitable text type.
That's write! (haha the pun!)
I also want to write about prawns.
Emotion reflections? Ha, legs and infats.
Regards,
The Retard.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Dear Friend 12
Dear Friend,
I started work today, but I could be more efficient. Tomorrow I will finish Act 3 in the afternoon and proceed to finish Act 4 Scene 2 in the night perhaps. I believe I can do it. I will accomplish it.
I really want to speak and get to know sie, again. Yes I'm pathetic.
Common knowledge. It's interesting.
How fast can you draw stars? Look, you will lose control! Wait, draw a box around the star! Isn't that a flag? No! It's a dead end! A scene of Death!
95, 5, eyes and gravy. But what about creativity!\
Train, physics, physique.
Regards,
The Retard
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Dear Friend 11
Dear Friend,
I am really upset today. In the morning I was annoyed by an intelligent person. I'm not sure, but probably because of his love for certainty. I do respect him, I do think he is a good person, but not a kind person. I'm quite sure he doesn't see me as his friend.
But who sees me as their friend? Who, in a dire situation, would ask for my help? I guess that's the problem of all my moodiness (if you knew who I am, you will think that this is a pun, but it is really how I feel). I don't feel that I'm needed by anyone. That feeling haunts me. It wasn't my decision to be alive, but my parents certainly don't need me. My friends don't need me. You don't need me. No one needs me. I might as well be dead and no one will mourn over my death. Sure, there will be people who will feel sad, but it doesn't matter at all. My life loss is like a loss of a luxury item, it hurts to those who bought it, but its value is overrated and since it is no necessity, it can be simply discarded. This isn't a false analogy.
Why did it affect me so much? Probably because of the realisation that I have wasted most of my life. There were so many challenges that I should have taken up, persevered through and learned from. I wasted all those opportunities, becoming the useless piece of shit I am now, addicted to the vile of consciousness. I want to change, I want to feel motivated. I want to make that leap of faith, that everything will be all right, that the dots will connect in the future. But if my existence matters to no one, and I'm not even referring to my existence to the entire world, then why the hell am I here? Look, there are so many people in the world who are suffering and don't even have to luxury to think about the purpose of their existence, to question whether the nature of morality, the constituents of the world and the supposed mechanisms behind it, and here am I, wasting my life away.
I am privileged, but I am not needed.
What is my problem? What are the adjustments I have to make? When I asked my teacher a perfectly normal question, just to understand why I loss a couple of marks, and after explaining my reason for drawing arrows that why, I was given the reply that my drawing is horrible and unacceptable, and that I should stop complaining. I was annoyed, but what hurts me the most is that I felt so emotionally sensitive at that moment. I felt hurt (oh maybe that's how the masterchef contestants felt, and I laughed at them for crying and letting their emotions get the better of them). But maybe hurt sounds too serious and drastic as a reaction. I guess I was saddened by the way I was perceived. I am saddened by the way people think I am some emotionless bastard, with evil intentions, and cares who doesn't give a shit about others. I am not like that, but maybe it's my fault too.
The days are ending soon. I am too harsh on people sometimes, but I feel like I have already controlled myself quite well. Alright, from tomorrow onwards, I shall make a conscious effort not to make fun of anyone. I shall not make fun of anyone to gain attention. Please, I don't want any more regrets.
The Psychometric Assessment test concluded that I am emotionally insensitive and low in positive outlook. Many people probably think so too. Why can't anyone feel my sincerity? Oh well, the cliched life goes on.
Regards,
The Retard.
The One That Got Away
You bump into your ex-lover, who you refer to as the one that got away, what would you do
A dark and rainy day. I was awoken by the tapping of the raindrops on my window. I have always loved rain, in a jungle of concrete, only mother nature brings serenity to a frustrated and lonely mind.
It has been a year since she left me. Funny how that is the first thing I think about every morning. I looked at the clock, and the fluorescent green light indicated it was still early. I didn't feel like going back to bed, so I opened the window and felt the calmness of the rain before it was disrupted by the mundane chores of life.
I was looking out of the window and noticed the construction site. It was incredibly noisy yesterday afternoon. The mix of the unappetising red, childish green of the almost torn down stadium and the impersonal yellow of the heavy machinery at the construction site felt unpleasant, but all emotions, including those unpleasant, fade into the melancholy of the early morning.
I wanted to go for a walk. A lonely walk, the kind that makes you feel a never ending melancholic truce. But the place I lived in never gave me such an opportunity. The city was dull with bright artificial colours. I walked towards the commerce area, passing a few pedestrian traffic lights. The traffic light man has a purpose for its existence, but hardly anything could be said about mine.
The spirit of the city was starting to come back. To many, that spirit is the vibrancy and life of the city, but for me it was duller than ever. Mechanical, monotonous, meaningless.
I wanted to go for a walk. A lonely walk, the kind that makes you feel a never ending melancholic truce. But the place I lived in never gave me such an opportunity. The city was dull with bright artificial colours. I walked towards the commerce area, passing a few pedestrian traffic lights. The traffic light man has a purpose for its existence, but hardly anything could be said about mine.
The spirit of the city was starting to come back. To many, that spirit is the vibrancy and life of the city, but for me it was duller than ever. Mechanical, monotonous, meaningless.
I looked into her eyes, sadly and sorrowfully. At least, that's how I think I looked at her. Thoughts flashed through my mind, how is she feeling? What should I say? Did she miss me? Should I tell her? But all these thoughts distilled into an impersonal "Hi." The type of greeting you say to your old parents at an old folks home after years of disconnect. She smiled, faintly.
"How are you?" she asked, smiling, faintly again. Her tone was light and it seemed like she expected a positive/short reply.
"I'm fine" I said, fidgeting. Nothing felt comfortable, my palms were sweating
And then I saw her, holding the arm of a tall, handsome fellow, smiling at him radiantly, the kind of smile that made me love her in the first place.
That was when I knew, that she was living the happiest days of her life, and I was living in my darkest.
When I returned home it rained again, but this time it sounded of sorrow and meaninglessness. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and hoped that the darkness of the night would consume me and my burdened life.
Monday, July 29, 2013
Dear Friend 10
Dear Friend,
I'm sorry I haven't written to you in a while. Today is a special day. It is someone's birthday. This someone could be important to my life. Mainly because she exists in my mind too long, too often.
Below is an interesting quote from Bruce Lee:
"Empty your mind, be formless, shapeless, like water.
Now you put water in a cup, it becomes the cup
you put water in a bottle, it becomes the bottle
you put water in a teapot, it becomes the teapot
Now water can flow, or it can crash
be water my friend"
I was intrigued by how he said it. He had that sense of assurance in his speech, a kind of certainty that seems to come with knowledge and understanding. The way he spoke made it seem profound, even though, it's quite ordinary.
"a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their
application would be incomplete without it"
What is interesting about me? What is central to my identity?
1. Dual Cultural Identity
2. Passion for Science
3. Interest in Music
4. Interest in community service
5. Love for nature
I need a specific event.
Day 1:
Dear Writer's Block,
It's not you, it's me. I have been watching you across the street since last week. Ever since you guys came into the neighbourhood, my writing has been stagnant. I first became suspicious of you when you first moved in in that white van. I assumed that you had a lot of furniture, but I was shocked to see that all you had in that van was a stack of papers. I said hello to you, but you ignored me, and I really hate people like that.
When I wanted to write about your arrival on the day itself, my computer crashed. When I decided to write on a piece of foolscap, I became distracted by the peculiar colour of my ink pen. When I tried to write about your arrival the next day, I suddenly became fascinated by manga.
I know you have been spying on me. Behind those green curtains of yours I occasionally see a flicker of reflected light that must have come from your binoculars. I have drew my curtains, and I secretly spy on you through means which you will never know of. Be warned!!!
I should probably address the fact that there are several of you. Writer living in the first level of the block, could you please use some dynamics in your music? I know you practise the violin, I can hear it from hear. But your music is emotionless, just like your writing. Writer living on the second level, how the hell did you manage to vandalise the exterior of your own building? Blue, black, iodine coloured paint on a reddish, iron precipitate coloured wall. That's disgusting, and no one understands your drawing. What's that squarish thing on the wall? Could you make more sense? And writer living on the highest level, remove that lego block from your windowsill, it's annoying me.
Anyway, this letter is for me, not you.
Regards,
The Retard living opposite
I'm sorry I haven't written to you in a while. Today is a special day. It is someone's birthday. This someone could be important to my life. Mainly because she exists in my mind too long, too often.
Below is an interesting quote from Bruce Lee:
"Empty your mind, be formless, shapeless, like water.
Now you put water in a cup, it becomes the cup
you put water in a bottle, it becomes the bottle
you put water in a teapot, it becomes the teapot
Now water can flow, or it can crash
be water my friend"
I was intrigued by how he said it. He had that sense of assurance in his speech, a kind of certainty that seems to come with knowledge and understanding. The way he spoke made it seem profound, even though, it's quite ordinary.
"a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their
application would be incomplete without it"
What is interesting about me? What is central to my identity?
1. Dual Cultural Identity
2. Passion for Science
3. Interest in Music
4. Interest in community service
5. Love for nature
I need a specific event.
Day 1:
Dear Writer's Block,
It's not you, it's me. I have been watching you across the street since last week. Ever since you guys came into the neighbourhood, my writing has been stagnant. I first became suspicious of you when you first moved in in that white van. I assumed that you had a lot of furniture, but I was shocked to see that all you had in that van was a stack of papers. I said hello to you, but you ignored me, and I really hate people like that.
When I wanted to write about your arrival on the day itself, my computer crashed. When I decided to write on a piece of foolscap, I became distracted by the peculiar colour of my ink pen. When I tried to write about your arrival the next day, I suddenly became fascinated by manga.
I know you have been spying on me. Behind those green curtains of yours I occasionally see a flicker of reflected light that must have come from your binoculars. I have drew my curtains, and I secretly spy on you through means which you will never know of. Be warned!!!
I should probably address the fact that there are several of you. Writer living in the first level of the block, could you please use some dynamics in your music? I know you practise the violin, I can hear it from hear. But your music is emotionless, just like your writing. Writer living on the second level, how the hell did you manage to vandalise the exterior of your own building? Blue, black, iodine coloured paint on a reddish, iron precipitate coloured wall. That's disgusting, and no one understands your drawing. What's that squarish thing on the wall? Could you make more sense? And writer living on the highest level, remove that lego block from your windowsill, it's annoying me.
Anyway, this letter is for me, not you.
Regards,
The Retard living opposite
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Dear Friend 9
Dear Friend,
I am still very distracted, and I think I know why.
Firstly, I am still thinking about them. In school, I am on the lookout. I wish to be noticed, and I anticipate and notice. It annoys me. It bothers me. Is there something wrong with me or to other people experience such feelings too? I barely know them at all. I barely do. Yet, the feeling is strong. I hate it. Infatuations. I hate them. I search, browse and imagine, or perhaps fantasise is a better word. I hate what I am doing. Have you had to deal with this?
Secondly, the internet distracts me. But I can deal with it.
I have something to confess. I have many good friends, but I always feel like the least important, the least liked among them. It's as if there is barrier between us. My closest friends wouldn't confide in me. I learn about some things from my closest friends the last. I feel bad, is it because of the way I act that caused it. I make fun of others too often. Way too often.
I heard a song. A song that sounded of so much nostalgia and regret. I hope my song will only be one of nostalgia.
What kind of songs do you like? Well, I can't even answer that question.
You can reply to me, you know.
Regards,
The Retard
I am still very distracted, and I think I know why.
Firstly, I am still thinking about them. In school, I am on the lookout. I wish to be noticed, and I anticipate and notice. It annoys me. It bothers me. Is there something wrong with me or to other people experience such feelings too? I barely know them at all. I barely do. Yet, the feeling is strong. I hate it. Infatuations. I hate them. I search, browse and imagine, or perhaps fantasise is a better word. I hate what I am doing. Have you had to deal with this?
Secondly, the internet distracts me. But I can deal with it.
I have something to confess. I have many good friends, but I always feel like the least important, the least liked among them. It's as if there is barrier between us. My closest friends wouldn't confide in me. I learn about some things from my closest friends the last. I feel bad, is it because of the way I act that caused it. I make fun of others too often. Way too often.
I heard a song. A song that sounded of so much nostalgia and regret. I hope my song will only be one of nostalgia.
What kind of songs do you like? Well, I can't even answer that question.
You can reply to me, you know.
Regards,
The Retard
Monday, July 22, 2013
Dear Friend 8
Dear Friend,
I have accomplished more today, but I can do much more.
Tschüss!
Regards,
The Retard.
I have accomplished more today, but I can do much more.
Tschüss!
Regards,
The Retard.
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Dear Friend 7
Dear Friend,
Remind me to be more focused when I do work. Nothing much happened today, and I shan't bother you.
Regards,
The Retard.
Remind me to be more focused when I do work. Nothing much happened today, and I shan't bother you.
Regards,
The Retard.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Dear Friend 6
Dear Friend,
I should sleep soon, but I'll make this quick. I have been annoyed by comments that show no depth of thinking. I have also been annoyed by no attempt to correct a poor speech capacity. I don't like King Lear, the play, for I feel no sympathy despite it being a tragedy. I did enjoy Macbeth. The characters in King Lear, I feel, are pretty stupid. How can anyone say that Edgar is a loyal son when he turned into Tom? It is just in retrospect. That sucks.
I have been working too slowly, I should not listen to music and I need to be more focused. I should complete Act 3 scene 5 tomorrow, it will be difficult, but I also need to study grammar, which is actually, in the long run, more important.
Regards,
The Retard.
P.S. I am always tempted to put my real name.
I should sleep soon, but I'll make this quick. I have been annoyed by comments that show no depth of thinking. I have also been annoyed by no attempt to correct a poor speech capacity. I don't like King Lear, the play, for I feel no sympathy despite it being a tragedy. I did enjoy Macbeth. The characters in King Lear, I feel, are pretty stupid. How can anyone say that Edgar is a loyal son when he turned into Tom? It is just in retrospect. That sucks.
I have been working too slowly, I should not listen to music and I need to be more focused. I should complete Act 3 scene 5 tomorrow, it will be difficult, but I also need to study grammar, which is actually, in the long run, more important.
Regards,
The Retard.
P.S. I am always tempted to put my real name.
Friday, July 19, 2013
Dear Friend 5
Dear Friend,
Today's run was bad, I felt tired too early. There are people who can run really quickly, and I want to train hard to keep my self physically fit. I could do much better, I have much more potential.
When going to the park today, it took me about 2 and a half hours, which is pretty darn long. I was listening to this song, the opening of Shingeki No Kyojin, it sounds pretty cool to me. Initially I felt that there were too many elements to the sound, and I wanted to hear a clearer and stronger vocal. There was a blur to the vocal that was kind of inhibited the feeling of the climax. And now I found out there is german in the lyrics.
I wasted a lot of time, but I justify it for rest. Tomorrow begins.
I was annoyed by pointless questions. They appear as if they know a lot, but they know nothing. Nothing at all.
I feel left out, alone, empty.
I am bothered that I care.
I am awkward.
I am useless.
Regards,
The Retard
Today's run was bad, I felt tired too early. There are people who can run really quickly, and I want to train hard to keep my self physically fit. I could do much better, I have much more potential.
When going to the park today, it took me about 2 and a half hours, which is pretty darn long. I was listening to this song, the opening of Shingeki No Kyojin, it sounds pretty cool to me. Initially I felt that there were too many elements to the sound, and I wanted to hear a clearer and stronger vocal. There was a blur to the vocal that was kind of inhibited the feeling of the climax. And now I found out there is german in the lyrics.
I wasted a lot of time, but I justify it for rest. Tomorrow begins.
I was annoyed by pointless questions. They appear as if they know a lot, but they know nothing. Nothing at all.
I feel left out, alone, empty.
I am bothered that I care.
I am awkward.
I am useless.
Regards,
The Retard
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Dear Friend 4
Dear Friend,
Haha, you didn't like that opening sentence? I'm sorry I couldn't write to you yesterday, my VAIO computer crashed after trying to restore it to factory settings, shouldn't have done that I guess. But I had a great day with the clown yesterday. I probably don't want to call him the clown now, he has been through a lot. Maybe he prefers the name Owleyes. Alright then, I'll call him owl eyes.
Owl eyes invited me to cycle at east coast yesterday. We were both late, but he was later. In fact, he was 2 hours late. But cycling was fun, for those 2 hours, I didn't have to think about anything besides cycling. I think I love cycling, and many other forms of physical exertion because for that brief period of time, I can abandon all thoughts and live in the present, be only concerned about the present. I can only focus on the force I exert on each pedal, the pain in my back, the weather, the bumpiness of the road, and the ever present caution to not brake too hard again. That's right. I fell. I braked too hard. Initially it felt like the bicycle chain came off, but owl eyes was right, I braked too hard and fell forward. The reason I applied the brakes that hard was because my left hand is used to applying that much force when braking on my own bike. Let me try to recall the scene:
I saw someone sweeping or cleaning the ground, perhaps blowing away the fallen leafs. I wanted to stop, so I gripped on the brakes. Then, in that fantastic moment, I could feel the bike lounging forward, I knew I had lost control, so I was ready to impact with my left hand and left knee. My glasses flew off on impact. In that brief moment, I was so sensitive to the surroundings that it felt like the stream of time slowed down just for me to embrace that moment, to live within it, at least for that moment. When I got up, I quickly put on my glasses and picked up my bike. I looked at the chain, kept saying that I was fine because I felt embarrassed. Actually, I felt more embarrassed that I felt embarrassed, but I guess it's okay.
I just want to highlight the brief moment before the impact. It's quite an amazing feeling that I hope I could experience again. Live in the moment.
That is something I am not good at, I am often too focused on the future and too fixated on the past that I never quite make good decisions in the present. But from today onwards, I shall work hard so that I will have no regrets.
Here is my plan of action for tomorrow:
1. I will finish editing my EE draft
2. I will do 2 scenes of Lear (at least try to finish up 1 important scene)
3. I will study SAT vocab- the plan is the revise the past vocab I have accumulated, and add on 30 words per day, 50 to 70 words on weekends
4. I will work on the ACC Poster (I can only rely on myself right?)
There are other things I have to do, for example, I need to write a resume and testimonial for myself. I need to do more research on universities. But focus on the present Retard, you will learn to be active and stay focused.
175, the crowded west
Another clear evidence of my lack of attention to the present occurs in my letters to you too. My ideas often jump far ahead of me, such that when I finish elaborating on one idea, I may or may not write it in the way I want it to be, (oh by the way, another idea came to my mind just a few seconds before), and after that I don't spend enough time elaborating on the second idea.
One thing I must reflect on is my poor performance in the recent math exams. Just to recap my greatest conceptual misunderstanding, exponential distribution is a distribution where the probability of the waiting time of an event decays exponentially. Otherwise when asked about how many events within a certain time, the question is evidently a poisson distribution where the discrete random variable is the number of times a certain event occurs.
I felt like I grasped all the content and I can understand the approach to solve the questions. However, I was not able to do them within the marked time and I failed to get correct answers. The reason is, now that I think of it, lack of good practice. Whenever I practise, I should focus on the moment and clear away all distractions. I shall learn from my mistakes. The score will probably be hard to deal with. But please do not find excuses for yourself and continue working hard.
Another thing I would like to mention is that there are some people, in this case I am talking about a certain teacher, who does not understand the difference between encouraging discussion and pressing for answers that she wants to hear.
As I was walking home, and quite recently, I have been asking myself this question, what type of irons do I like? Or when do I plan to get diamonds? I don't ask these questions myself directly, but I imagine someone asking me these questions. My answer to the former is that I want to be with somebody who makes me feel serene. I seek a certain kind of tranquillity. We could talk, but we are perfectly at ease when we are silent. It is almost as if we could read each others' thoughts, but it really doesn't matter. All that matters is the feeling that there is something beyond my own existence that is important to me. That's why, frankly, I don't know what it means to love. I can't say that I love the stubborns, because sometimes they understand me the least and they also have no fundamental respect for my intellect. But I am good with fantasies and infatuations. As to the latter, I usually say that I don't plan, or don't expect to plan, or I don't think it can be planned. When it happens it happens, it is not passivity I think, rather the acceptance or a philosophical kind of confidence that assures me that I will find the right one.
I still want to talk to her, but I know that feh is not interested in me at all. But I want to know fehr, I want to know how feh has been, what are her aspirations. I want to let fehr know about my feelings, or despicable infatuations.
That brings me to another point, I need to think about some of the books and movies I have enjoyed, and use as many despicable words as possible when writing to you. I will also be using some common app prompts or SAT prompts to open my letters to you dear friend.
Thank you so much my friend. I feel a sense of relief after writing to you, I want to do this everyday. It will be interesting to look back, but more importantly, it reminds me of the relative present and prepares me for the future.
Oh by the way, have you heard? There are advantages to being useless, that's quite interesting isn't it? Hmm... Give me some encouragement pal, tomorrow will be a good day.
Just before I end of this letter, I just want to say that I am disgusting, still looking at another fehr and wishing that I could catch fehr attention.
Run Retard Run.
Regards,
The Retard.
P.S. From henceforth I shall not write Thanks unless it feels like it. I shall end with a full stop unless it doesn't feel like it.
P.S.S. If you had a name, what would it be? Butterfly?
Haha, you didn't like that opening sentence? I'm sorry I couldn't write to you yesterday, my VAIO computer crashed after trying to restore it to factory settings, shouldn't have done that I guess. But I had a great day with the clown yesterday. I probably don't want to call him the clown now, he has been through a lot. Maybe he prefers the name Owleyes. Alright then, I'll call him owl eyes.
Owl eyes invited me to cycle at east coast yesterday. We were both late, but he was later. In fact, he was 2 hours late. But cycling was fun, for those 2 hours, I didn't have to think about anything besides cycling. I think I love cycling, and many other forms of physical exertion because for that brief period of time, I can abandon all thoughts and live in the present, be only concerned about the present. I can only focus on the force I exert on each pedal, the pain in my back, the weather, the bumpiness of the road, and the ever present caution to not brake too hard again. That's right. I fell. I braked too hard. Initially it felt like the bicycle chain came off, but owl eyes was right, I braked too hard and fell forward. The reason I applied the brakes that hard was because my left hand is used to applying that much force when braking on my own bike. Let me try to recall the scene:
I saw someone sweeping or cleaning the ground, perhaps blowing away the fallen leafs. I wanted to stop, so I gripped on the brakes. Then, in that fantastic moment, I could feel the bike lounging forward, I knew I had lost control, so I was ready to impact with my left hand and left knee. My glasses flew off on impact. In that brief moment, I was so sensitive to the surroundings that it felt like the stream of time slowed down just for me to embrace that moment, to live within it, at least for that moment. When I got up, I quickly put on my glasses and picked up my bike. I looked at the chain, kept saying that I was fine because I felt embarrassed. Actually, I felt more embarrassed that I felt embarrassed, but I guess it's okay.
I just want to highlight the brief moment before the impact. It's quite an amazing feeling that I hope I could experience again. Live in the moment.
That is something I am not good at, I am often too focused on the future and too fixated on the past that I never quite make good decisions in the present. But from today onwards, I shall work hard so that I will have no regrets.
Here is my plan of action for tomorrow:
1. I will finish editing my EE draft
2. I will do 2 scenes of Lear (at least try to finish up 1 important scene)
3. I will study SAT vocab- the plan is the revise the past vocab I have accumulated, and add on 30 words per day, 50 to 70 words on weekends
4. I will work on the ACC Poster (I can only rely on myself right?)
There are other things I have to do, for example, I need to write a resume and testimonial for myself. I need to do more research on universities. But focus on the present Retard, you will learn to be active and stay focused.
175, the crowded west
Another clear evidence of my lack of attention to the present occurs in my letters to you too. My ideas often jump far ahead of me, such that when I finish elaborating on one idea, I may or may not write it in the way I want it to be, (oh by the way, another idea came to my mind just a few seconds before), and after that I don't spend enough time elaborating on the second idea.
One thing I must reflect on is my poor performance in the recent math exams. Just to recap my greatest conceptual misunderstanding, exponential distribution is a distribution where the probability of the waiting time of an event decays exponentially. Otherwise when asked about how many events within a certain time, the question is evidently a poisson distribution where the discrete random variable is the number of times a certain event occurs.
I felt like I grasped all the content and I can understand the approach to solve the questions. However, I was not able to do them within the marked time and I failed to get correct answers. The reason is, now that I think of it, lack of good practice. Whenever I practise, I should focus on the moment and clear away all distractions. I shall learn from my mistakes. The score will probably be hard to deal with. But please do not find excuses for yourself and continue working hard.
Another thing I would like to mention is that there are some people, in this case I am talking about a certain teacher, who does not understand the difference between encouraging discussion and pressing for answers that she wants to hear.
As I was walking home, and quite recently, I have been asking myself this question, what type of irons do I like? Or when do I plan to get diamonds? I don't ask these questions myself directly, but I imagine someone asking me these questions. My answer to the former is that I want to be with somebody who makes me feel serene. I seek a certain kind of tranquillity. We could talk, but we are perfectly at ease when we are silent. It is almost as if we could read each others' thoughts, but it really doesn't matter. All that matters is the feeling that there is something beyond my own existence that is important to me. That's why, frankly, I don't know what it means to love. I can't say that I love the stubborns, because sometimes they understand me the least and they also have no fundamental respect for my intellect. But I am good with fantasies and infatuations. As to the latter, I usually say that I don't plan, or don't expect to plan, or I don't think it can be planned. When it happens it happens, it is not passivity I think, rather the acceptance or a philosophical kind of confidence that assures me that I will find the right one.
I still want to talk to her, but I know that feh is not interested in me at all. But I want to know fehr, I want to know how feh has been, what are her aspirations. I want to let fehr know about my feelings, or despicable infatuations.
That brings me to another point, I need to think about some of the books and movies I have enjoyed, and use as many despicable words as possible when writing to you. I will also be using some common app prompts or SAT prompts to open my letters to you dear friend.
Thank you so much my friend. I feel a sense of relief after writing to you, I want to do this everyday. It will be interesting to look back, but more importantly, it reminds me of the relative present and prepares me for the future.
Oh by the way, have you heard? There are advantages to being useless, that's quite interesting isn't it? Hmm... Give me some encouragement pal, tomorrow will be a good day.
Just before I end of this letter, I just want to say that I am disgusting, still looking at another fehr and wishing that I could catch fehr attention.
Run Retard Run.
Regards,
The Retard.
P.S. From henceforth I shall not write Thanks unless it feels like it. I shall end with a full stop unless it doesn't feel like it.
P.S.S. If you had a name, what would it be? Butterfly?
Monday, July 15, 2013
Dear Friend 3
Dear Friend,
It just occurred to last night that I didn't write to you. I am supposed to write to you everyday. By the way, today I plan to complete more scenes of King Lear, and plan more detailed for UNI. Darn, there are a ton of things to be done.
Firstly, we'll talk about yesterday. I didn't realise how apt the name "Stubborn" is. I was really annoyed yesterday because this is not the first time I was disrespected. The stubborns live without principles, they have no values, they have no passion in life, they have just wishful thinking, they are in some sense rather stupid and despicable. I had to say this. I hate to say this. Sometimes I despise them, but I still respect them. I think respect is the right word.
The ball's grip was good, I could feel my improvement. Step 1:Get a good grip. Step 2: Raise it above the head. Step 3: Get the elbow aiming at the basket Step 4: Get the wrist in a good position Step 5: Jump Step 6: No fore from left hand Step 7: Aim toward basket Step 8: Get the finger roll going Step 9: Follow through the release on 3 fingers Step 10: Go for rebound
That's all I really want to say, I can continue writing tonight.
Regards,
The Retard
a
It just occurred to last night that I didn't write to you. I am supposed to write to you everyday. By the way, today I plan to complete more scenes of King Lear, and plan more detailed for UNI. Darn, there are a ton of things to be done.
Firstly, we'll talk about yesterday. I didn't realise how apt the name "Stubborn" is. I was really annoyed yesterday because this is not the first time I was disrespected. The stubborns live without principles, they have no values, they have no passion in life, they have just wishful thinking, they are in some sense rather stupid and despicable. I had to say this. I hate to say this. Sometimes I despise them, but I still respect them. I think respect is the right word.
The ball's grip was good, I could feel my improvement. Step 1:Get a good grip. Step 2: Raise it above the head. Step 3: Get the elbow aiming at the basket Step 4: Get the wrist in a good position Step 5: Jump Step 6: No fore from left hand Step 7: Aim toward basket Step 8: Get the finger roll going Step 9: Follow through the release on 3 fingers Step 10: Go for rebound
That's all I really want to say, I can continue writing tonight.
Regards,
The Retard
a
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Dear Friend 2
Dear Friend,
I am rather grumpy today, for no apparent reason yet I feel sufficiently justified for being so. I learned quite a few things today. Let's start with the violin lesson.
The violin lesson today was awesome, I learned so much more. Apparently this teacher is currently studying in Belgium, and I can't really figure whether she is Singaporean because she has an accent which I cannot identify. I don't even know why she is willing to teach a lousy student like me. Perhaps other students are much more talented. I played Vivaldi's Violin Concerto in A Minor absolutely flat from the start, and the way I hold the bow is unstable and produces a shaky noise which I must work to reduce. She would probably think that I am not deserving of my grade at all, and I would certainly agree. Nonetheless, I realised that I was lacking so much in terms of violin skills. She showed me how to spot phrases, to see the important notes, to vary bow lengths, bow speed, catching the string and all other basic fundamentals things that are really useful to produce interesting sound. Yes, that's what I want. I want a teacher who is knowledgeable and is able to challenge to become a better player. If I had been under her since the beginning, I would have been a much better player. But I can make that up with hard work, as I have always done. I will really work hard to refine my skill in the violin so that I won't have to be embarrassed about playing a tune for someone.
Transcendental numbers.
And then I went to the college fair. Dear Friend, I really suck at asking good questions! GOD I feel so ashamed of myself! But I did get to know some good colleges and probably will be applying to them. I was disappointed to find out how some people from good schools can be so judgemental and showed no interest in whatever I was saying. It is a good reminder to me that I shouldn't apply to a college just based on the fact that it is famous. Also, if the students can't even answer why the school is famous, then they really suck. Mein Freund, I am extremely worried!!!! I don't know if I can manage to get into a good university! Ahh... The chances for me to get into a good school are slim. I do well in school but not outstanding, I have participated in a variety of stuff but have never achieved any outstanding stuff. That's why I am worried. But I will try my very best at the ACC, although it is extremely unlikely that I will learn anything, I will use this as an opportunity to learn more about MOFs.
Meanwhile, I need to start preparing for Poster, IOC, SAT, Uni research, MOF research and testimonial writing. I feel like you are really helping me. I am able to articulate my thoughts much better after that long conversation with you yesterday. Hmmmm what else do I want to write to you?
Alright, let me start brain storming for a topic that I have always wanted to write about, Math and Music. Or was it Math and a sense of rhythm.
2,4,6,8,10... the geometric progression goes on. I started memorising the multiplication tables since primary 2, and I have always been rather proficient in math. In the Island, each train carriage has a four digit number, and I liked to use those numbers and the four operations so that they sum to 24. I rather proudly say that I have never used fingers to count, and when I was volunteering at a childcare centre, I was quite appalled by how many kids there were using fingers to count simple addition sums. I wouldn't say that I am particularly gifted at math, but I probably have a above average sense of arithmetic.
I also started learning the piano at a young age, forced and unwilllingly. Later I picked up the violin willingly, but I realised that I could not do something very fundamental- to count the beat accurately. Simple dotted rhythms in simple time can confuse me, and I really need to use my feet to count. In fact, when counting rhythms, I can at most count to 4, more than that, I will be lost. For that reason, complex times are complex for me. I use the metronome and tried to count repeatedly, but I don't have the right sense of rhythm.
BLAAA that was bad, I'll keep trying though. I need to gather more ideas into this essay.
Thanks!
Regards,
The Retard
I am rather grumpy today, for no apparent reason yet I feel sufficiently justified for being so. I learned quite a few things today. Let's start with the violin lesson.
The violin lesson today was awesome, I learned so much more. Apparently this teacher is currently studying in Belgium, and I can't really figure whether she is Singaporean because she has an accent which I cannot identify. I don't even know why she is willing to teach a lousy student like me. Perhaps other students are much more talented. I played Vivaldi's Violin Concerto in A Minor absolutely flat from the start, and the way I hold the bow is unstable and produces a shaky noise which I must work to reduce. She would probably think that I am not deserving of my grade at all, and I would certainly agree. Nonetheless, I realised that I was lacking so much in terms of violin skills. She showed me how to spot phrases, to see the important notes, to vary bow lengths, bow speed, catching the string and all other basic fundamentals things that are really useful to produce interesting sound. Yes, that's what I want. I want a teacher who is knowledgeable and is able to challenge to become a better player. If I had been under her since the beginning, I would have been a much better player. But I can make that up with hard work, as I have always done. I will really work hard to refine my skill in the violin so that I won't have to be embarrassed about playing a tune for someone.
Transcendental numbers.
And then I went to the college fair. Dear Friend, I really suck at asking good questions! GOD I feel so ashamed of myself! But I did get to know some good colleges and probably will be applying to them. I was disappointed to find out how some people from good schools can be so judgemental and showed no interest in whatever I was saying. It is a good reminder to me that I shouldn't apply to a college just based on the fact that it is famous. Also, if the students can't even answer why the school is famous, then they really suck. Mein Freund, I am extremely worried!!!! I don't know if I can manage to get into a good university! Ahh... The chances for me to get into a good school are slim. I do well in school but not outstanding, I have participated in a variety of stuff but have never achieved any outstanding stuff. That's why I am worried. But I will try my very best at the ACC, although it is extremely unlikely that I will learn anything, I will use this as an opportunity to learn more about MOFs.
Meanwhile, I need to start preparing for Poster, IOC, SAT, Uni research, MOF research and testimonial writing. I feel like you are really helping me. I am able to articulate my thoughts much better after that long conversation with you yesterday. Hmmmm what else do I want to write to you?
Alright, let me start brain storming for a topic that I have always wanted to write about, Math and Music. Or was it Math and a sense of rhythm.
2,4,6,8,10... the geometric progression goes on. I started memorising the multiplication tables since primary 2, and I have always been rather proficient in math. In the Island, each train carriage has a four digit number, and I liked to use those numbers and the four operations so that they sum to 24. I rather proudly say that I have never used fingers to count, and when I was volunteering at a childcare centre, I was quite appalled by how many kids there were using fingers to count simple addition sums. I wouldn't say that I am particularly gifted at math, but I probably have a above average sense of arithmetic.
I also started learning the piano at a young age, forced and unwilllingly. Later I picked up the violin willingly, but I realised that I could not do something very fundamental- to count the beat accurately. Simple dotted rhythms in simple time can confuse me, and I really need to use my feet to count. In fact, when counting rhythms, I can at most count to 4, more than that, I will be lost. For that reason, complex times are complex for me. I use the metronome and tried to count repeatedly, but I don't have the right sense of rhythm.
BLAAA that was bad, I'll keep trying though. I need to gather more ideas into this essay.
Thanks!
Regards,
The Retard
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Dear Friend 1
A series of letters written to an imaginary friend. The arrow of time points towards all directions. Thought about writing this after watching The Perks of being a Wallflower, and also after my failed attempt to write daily. I don't have many days left, I must continue writing.
Dear Friend,
There are some words that could never be spoken beyond the mind. I am a person who likes to imagine conversations with other people and myself. I fantasise a lot, and in that imaginary world I lose my senses. I lose them in the sense that I fail to reflect on my faults and misdeeds. I have become too satisfied in my comfort zone. I wish to be a better person, really, that's all I wish for. But I have not been active in making changes. So, instead of fantasising and conjuring up meaningless conversations. I shall write to you my friend. I hope you will find these letters interesting. I hope that I will gain insight to myself. I say that there are some words that could never be spoken beyond the mind for many reasons, and my mind has already produced many before I could write them down, and that in itself is a reason. The first is, I don't really have a friend to whom I can confide everything to. Sometimes I almost feel that my friends care about me, but do not see me as the most trustworthy person. I am always willing to go out and help my friends, but rarely do my friends seek me for help, and when I find out about their troubles when they have worsened or resolved, I can't help but have the selfish thought that I could have helped them in one way or another. It just makes me sad that my closest friends probably don't see me as a person who will simply be a listener, just a friend.
So I shall begin.
It was on wednesday, after the chemistry and economics exams, that I suddenly felt the urge to watch a movie and have some rest. The current examinations haven't been going so well. I studied hard alright, but I made stupid mistakes such as the HBr thingy. For some reason, I couldn't perform well in the math paper. I couldn't do simple, differentiation and integration questions, and probably would have difficulty achieving a 6 this time. But I am not frustrated. I know I will do well next time. I will be more assured. During revision, I have relied more on thorough understanding compared to past revisions. I believe I have improved.
So what was this movie? It's The Perks of being a Wallflower. Firstly, I wasn't interested in the movie because of Emma Watson. I do think she is an interesting actor, and she is acutely aware of how people have a wrong impression of her because of the roles she plays in films. I believe they are called pseudo something relationships. The reason I felt like watching this was because I saw part of the trailer on television, and it seemed to portray a type of teenage life that I was unfamiliar to but apparently, or maybe it's just my impression, common to many teenagers and has a theme with resonates with them.
The film is about this awkward teenager, oh darn, I almost forgot his name, yes he is Charlie. Charlie is not the sociable type, like me, but he was able to find a group of close friends. The party scene is something I am totally unfamiliar, all that drinking and stuff. Charlie almost immediately likes Sam, who is played by Emma. But it is a kind of infatuation or crush that seems rather innocent. It could have purely due to appearance. I have never understood my infatuations by the way, and I try to keep them out of my head, they really have a detrimental effect to my perception of reality. The thing is, Charlie and I could be alike in some ways beyond just being unsociable and awkward. Charlie doesn't really know how to strike up a conversation and relies on the interactiveness of the other in any social conversation. He likes Sam in a way that I think is similar but probably isn't. I am rather superficial I think. Oh hell yes I am. Nope I was wrong, Charlie liked same more than just for appearance I guess, he liked the way she was able to deal with the "bad stuff", something which he couldn't do even after confessing his love for Sam. Charlie was there for his friends, and I hope to be that kind of person too. I guess I just want to feel needed. I wish to feel useful to my friends. It is probably selfish, yes, it is hard to argue that anyone could be totally altruistic at all, but it is a feeling that I really yearn for. Charlie fought, listened and loved his friends, I just wished for my friends to see me as a person who would be that kind of quiet listener. In fact you my friend, you bear the characteristics of the type of friend I want to be. You just listen and let me dig deeper into my feelings, allowing me to be free in my expression and letting me find myself, even in depression. I wish to be that kind of friend. Charlie, he was needed by almost everyone around him. He offered help to his sister, he gave support to Patrick when he needed it most, he let Mary enjoy the feeling of being in love with someone, and made Sam realise that she deserves better. Learning about Charlie's pains and dark past was probably the most interesting part of the movie. Charlie tried to hide his feelings of hatred, because the more hatred he felt, the more guilt he felt. He did all this because he was a considerate and kind person. He put everyone's burdens before himself I guess. As I reflect on my own actions, I tend to think that I have been a nice guy. But immediately I am warned that I am probably not such a person, though I really wish to be such a person. There are probably people around me who experience hardships, and by the way I am interacting with my friends now, I will never be sensitive to them, I will never be the kind of empathetic friend.
The movie ended with a tinge of melancholy that got me thinking about my soon ending junior college life. What have I learned about others or from others? How would my jc life appear on the silverscreen? Incredibly boring I guess. I have a particular infatuation that I am ashamed to speak of, even to you my friend, even to you. And I hate that I have this infatuation because it is extremely superficial. It is extremely superficial. I just hate that. I fantasise and do "bad" things and I just hate that I am reduced to such superficiality. Charlie's innocence, maybe that's not the right word. The purity of Charlie's love for Sam is something that I cannot relate to because I haven't experience anything like that in school. In a way I wish I had experienced it. But I have always had the belief that it should come naturally. Though I seriously doubt that I could confess to a girl. Haha, I am such a coward right? What would you do my friend? What would you do if you liked someone for a long time, without ever knowing why you liked that person? What would you do if you also suddenly feel like you like another person, for obvious superficial reasons?
The emotion that resonated strongly in me is the feeling of nostalgia. Sure, there are regrets, I should have worked hard in everything. I should have stayed and played basketball, believing and having the strong conviction that it is my passion and I will improve. I should have participated more to gain more in NCC. I shouldn't have backed out from the prefects' camp. I should have made it a meaningful experience. My jc life is going to end, and I will miss my friends so much. I hope they will miss me, because I am honestly not sure. I felt like I have accomplished nothing. That's why I wish I could shout to the younger me, and warn him that his passivity will kill him.
And then came thursday. I have a serious procrastination problem now. But I could get rid of it if I focus enough. It has been a long time since I was able to find sudden inspiration for language and writing, I wish I could get hold of my essays in primary school and see the kid I had been. When I look at photos of my younger self, I always see two paths. One which directly led to me, the other a more passionate and interesting individual, perhaps more popular, successful in academics and sports and having more friends. But if that path was taken, how can I ever say that that was a different me, not simply an indifferent life of someone else?
And then came friday. I performed reallly badly on the mathematics test again. When I get back the test paper, I will reflect and work hard to improve my score. I played basketball with friends, and got a really bad cram on my left leg. I can still feel the tension now. I am quite offended and annoyed that someone said that it occurs 90% or everytime, as if I am born inferior. But I am not, and I shall improve my physique because I am disatisfied with it. And after an interesting moive, I walked home. Before the movie, I was speaking to the bulldozer and coincidentally he asked if I had watched the perks of being a wallflower. I get these kind of coincidences rather often. After I become aware of something, it doesn't become indifferent to my existence any more and likes to jump into my awareness more often that it previously appeared to be. Anyway, even before the movie I was talking to bulldozer and the lobster about how most people die without knowing to the best of our species' knowledge, the nature of the world we live in.
This is the point where I suddenly realise that the quiet reflection upon seeing the brilliant blue sky actually happened on wednesday. As I was walking home, I realised that I could identify the the sky as bearing my favourite colour. I am very poor at identifying my favourites by the way, and I find it weird that many are able to tell what they like most. When asked about my favourite anything, I would say that I enjoy multiple things and I had a particular affection for each of those things for different kinds of reasons and emotions. There is no such thing as a favourite for me. But that colour of the sky that day, I just loved it. I was thinking about many things. I should get into the habit of jotting them down quickly right and writing about them on the day itself so that I don't forget. But the thing that I can still remember thinking about and now I have to go back a paragraph to add an interesting fact........ Just hold on my friend! Oh in fact that backtracking made me realise that my thoughts also drifted to religion. Maybe starting a new paragraph would be better.
So first I realised how many people didn't have the luxury like me to think and philosophise about things. Many people are just suffering, some are born without the capacity to show intelligence, and others are just concerned about surviving each day, that thinking about the so called great problems of the world and the meaning of our existence become laughable. I tried to make a point in my essay that it is knowledge that gives us a sense of who we are. But isn't that a joke to those who don't have such luxury to think about the problems of knowledge? A person who has understood nothing about the world could be happy, and he will live and die. Who am I to judge that he has not lived a meaningful life? Who am I to say that he has led a sad life? These questions continue to bug me. At the end of my existence, what I consider important to myself is not important to the universe. The universe remains apathetic to my sentiments and I will just die having lived a life not decided by myself, died, and decomposed without ever knowing, the fundamental questions about the universe, knowledge and our existence and consciousness. This idea of philosophy, metaphysical thinking being a luxury led me to think that faith is a luxury. There are many problems in religion that I have considered. I was quite a Christian when I was a child, but I actually read the bible like it was mythology, and hence my favourite book in the bible is the the book of Revelations. Then I started thinking, why would God have to create anything in the first place? Why did he create a hierachy of beings? Why did he not make it innate for everyone to be aware of his existence? Why should Christianity be centred around the Jews? Why would God support anyone in war? Why didn't Jesus appear in China? Why are there so many religions? The tracing of these younger questions led me to the slightly older reminder of a very apt cartoon. The Eskimo asked the missionary, "If I don't believe in your God now that you have told me about it, I would be punished?" "Yes", the missionary replied. "Then why did you tell me about it?" The Eskimo asked. This perfectly describes of the irony of the missionary's actions. Oh by the way, I also thought a lot of how God would deal with people who didn't believe him or didn't get to know him. That's when I reached the conclusion that it really doesn't matter which religion you believe in if there really is a God. Back to the irony part. When someone preaches about the glory of god, and tells them to believe that this almighty being will bring salvation upon them, it can be ironic because the preacher does not live in the suffering of the one being preached to. Tell anyone who is struggling to survive that there is a god who cares about them. Tell anyone who is born without the ability to conceive thoughts that there is a god who gives a shit about them. To have faith is to have luxury, that is the weak meaning and realisation. But faith is admirable and a leap when one has experienced unimaginable suffering but has held on fervently with the belief that there is the almighty god, and that there is always hope. It is a leap which I cannot make, I can merely state a preference. Sure, I rather there be a god, so that I can ask him about the universe after I die.
And today, I stumbled upon the past which I didn't know about. Cries through the phone hinted of it, hypocrisy in speech revealed it, words from others spoke of it and more hypocrisy ensued and strongly suggested it. Living far apart, the stubborns' relationship was high on tension. One stubborn had a beautiful dream that was apparently torn apart. The stubborn said hypocritical things which she probably forgot but the retard will never forget. The retard despises hypocrisy above all else. Living apart, the stubborns never really got to understand each other and resolve tensions. Apparently life wasn't so easy economically for the stubborns. They tried hard, but the retard felt a sense of disgust somehow after seeing those documents. The retard witnessed a series of written prayers in poorly written english, (can you imagine, living here for 11 years and not knowing how to spell the name of the district you live in, without any good sense of grammar, and a poor command of english even till this day. Even worse at Chinese, jumbled speech that has annoyed and affected the Retard's command for the language), asking god to give the other stubborn interviews, jobs, telling god how that stubborn has had much experience in the industry. The retard was appalled and disgusted. He realised, as he had realised before, that neither of the stubborns have thought seriously about the existence of god, and used the notion of god as a wishing well. Using god as a wishing well for mundane demands. The stubborn expressed stupid sentimentality without realising that she wasn't thinking hard enough, just being in her own world. The retard should feel guilt and remorse, and he will probably be feeling that way when he reads this again, but the thing is that this is exactly the way he felt, the retard had no sympathy whatsoever. Perhaps the stubborn had much suffering, no she had a great deal of suffering. But it was the poor sense of english, which demonstrated a lack of willingness to seek improvement and improve, the stupid demands from god and stupid wish that god may bless us that irritated the retard. When the retard saw a video of him wishing for acceptance into good schools during his birthday. Affected by the stubborns perhaps, the younger retard failed to realise the hypocrisy of his actions, and felt even more repulsed by the video. The stubborns never knew the retard well and probably won't. The retard experienced a life that gave him a critical insight towards anything that could be retained in his mind. This sense of criticality caused him to not be the friend he wished to be.
I am sorry that I have to end on such a depressing note my friend. I shall conjure up identities for you perhaps. But I am glad that I have finished writing my very first letter to you.
Thanks.
Regards,
The Retard.
Dear Friend,
There are some words that could never be spoken beyond the mind. I am a person who likes to imagine conversations with other people and myself. I fantasise a lot, and in that imaginary world I lose my senses. I lose them in the sense that I fail to reflect on my faults and misdeeds. I have become too satisfied in my comfort zone. I wish to be a better person, really, that's all I wish for. But I have not been active in making changes. So, instead of fantasising and conjuring up meaningless conversations. I shall write to you my friend. I hope you will find these letters interesting. I hope that I will gain insight to myself. I say that there are some words that could never be spoken beyond the mind for many reasons, and my mind has already produced many before I could write them down, and that in itself is a reason. The first is, I don't really have a friend to whom I can confide everything to. Sometimes I almost feel that my friends care about me, but do not see me as the most trustworthy person. I am always willing to go out and help my friends, but rarely do my friends seek me for help, and when I find out about their troubles when they have worsened or resolved, I can't help but have the selfish thought that I could have helped them in one way or another. It just makes me sad that my closest friends probably don't see me as a person who will simply be a listener, just a friend.
So I shall begin.
It was on wednesday, after the chemistry and economics exams, that I suddenly felt the urge to watch a movie and have some rest. The current examinations haven't been going so well. I studied hard alright, but I made stupid mistakes such as the HBr thingy. For some reason, I couldn't perform well in the math paper. I couldn't do simple, differentiation and integration questions, and probably would have difficulty achieving a 6 this time. But I am not frustrated. I know I will do well next time. I will be more assured. During revision, I have relied more on thorough understanding compared to past revisions. I believe I have improved.
So what was this movie? It's The Perks of being a Wallflower. Firstly, I wasn't interested in the movie because of Emma Watson. I do think she is an interesting actor, and she is acutely aware of how people have a wrong impression of her because of the roles she plays in films. I believe they are called pseudo something relationships. The reason I felt like watching this was because I saw part of the trailer on television, and it seemed to portray a type of teenage life that I was unfamiliar to but apparently, or maybe it's just my impression, common to many teenagers and has a theme with resonates with them.
The film is about this awkward teenager, oh darn, I almost forgot his name, yes he is Charlie. Charlie is not the sociable type, like me, but he was able to find a group of close friends. The party scene is something I am totally unfamiliar, all that drinking and stuff. Charlie almost immediately likes Sam, who is played by Emma. But it is a kind of infatuation or crush that seems rather innocent. It could have purely due to appearance. I have never understood my infatuations by the way, and I try to keep them out of my head, they really have a detrimental effect to my perception of reality. The thing is, Charlie and I could be alike in some ways beyond just being unsociable and awkward. Charlie doesn't really know how to strike up a conversation and relies on the interactiveness of the other in any social conversation. He likes Sam in a way that I think is similar but probably isn't. I am rather superficial I think. Oh hell yes I am. Nope I was wrong, Charlie liked same more than just for appearance I guess, he liked the way she was able to deal with the "bad stuff", something which he couldn't do even after confessing his love for Sam. Charlie was there for his friends, and I hope to be that kind of person too. I guess I just want to feel needed. I wish to feel useful to my friends. It is probably selfish, yes, it is hard to argue that anyone could be totally altruistic at all, but it is a feeling that I really yearn for. Charlie fought, listened and loved his friends, I just wished for my friends to see me as a person who would be that kind of quiet listener. In fact you my friend, you bear the characteristics of the type of friend I want to be. You just listen and let me dig deeper into my feelings, allowing me to be free in my expression and letting me find myself, even in depression. I wish to be that kind of friend. Charlie, he was needed by almost everyone around him. He offered help to his sister, he gave support to Patrick when he needed it most, he let Mary enjoy the feeling of being in love with someone, and made Sam realise that she deserves better. Learning about Charlie's pains and dark past was probably the most interesting part of the movie. Charlie tried to hide his feelings of hatred, because the more hatred he felt, the more guilt he felt. He did all this because he was a considerate and kind person. He put everyone's burdens before himself I guess. As I reflect on my own actions, I tend to think that I have been a nice guy. But immediately I am warned that I am probably not such a person, though I really wish to be such a person. There are probably people around me who experience hardships, and by the way I am interacting with my friends now, I will never be sensitive to them, I will never be the kind of empathetic friend.
The movie ended with a tinge of melancholy that got me thinking about my soon ending junior college life. What have I learned about others or from others? How would my jc life appear on the silverscreen? Incredibly boring I guess. I have a particular infatuation that I am ashamed to speak of, even to you my friend, even to you. And I hate that I have this infatuation because it is extremely superficial. It is extremely superficial. I just hate that. I fantasise and do "bad" things and I just hate that I am reduced to such superficiality. Charlie's innocence, maybe that's not the right word. The purity of Charlie's love for Sam is something that I cannot relate to because I haven't experience anything like that in school. In a way I wish I had experienced it. But I have always had the belief that it should come naturally. Though I seriously doubt that I could confess to a girl. Haha, I am such a coward right? What would you do my friend? What would you do if you liked someone for a long time, without ever knowing why you liked that person? What would you do if you also suddenly feel like you like another person, for obvious superficial reasons?
The emotion that resonated strongly in me is the feeling of nostalgia. Sure, there are regrets, I should have worked hard in everything. I should have stayed and played basketball, believing and having the strong conviction that it is my passion and I will improve. I should have participated more to gain more in NCC. I shouldn't have backed out from the prefects' camp. I should have made it a meaningful experience. My jc life is going to end, and I will miss my friends so much. I hope they will miss me, because I am honestly not sure. I felt like I have accomplished nothing. That's why I wish I could shout to the younger me, and warn him that his passivity will kill him.
And then came thursday. I have a serious procrastination problem now. But I could get rid of it if I focus enough. It has been a long time since I was able to find sudden inspiration for language and writing, I wish I could get hold of my essays in primary school and see the kid I had been. When I look at photos of my younger self, I always see two paths. One which directly led to me, the other a more passionate and interesting individual, perhaps more popular, successful in academics and sports and having more friends. But if that path was taken, how can I ever say that that was a different me, not simply an indifferent life of someone else?
And then came friday. I performed reallly badly on the mathematics test again. When I get back the test paper, I will reflect and work hard to improve my score. I played basketball with friends, and got a really bad cram on my left leg. I can still feel the tension now. I am quite offended and annoyed that someone said that it occurs 90% or everytime, as if I am born inferior. But I am not, and I shall improve my physique because I am disatisfied with it. And after an interesting moive, I walked home. Before the movie, I was speaking to the bulldozer and coincidentally he asked if I had watched the perks of being a wallflower. I get these kind of coincidences rather often. After I become aware of something, it doesn't become indifferent to my existence any more and likes to jump into my awareness more often that it previously appeared to be. Anyway, even before the movie I was talking to bulldozer and the lobster about how most people die without knowing to the best of our species' knowledge, the nature of the world we live in.
This is the point where I suddenly realise that the quiet reflection upon seeing the brilliant blue sky actually happened on wednesday. As I was walking home, I realised that I could identify the the sky as bearing my favourite colour. I am very poor at identifying my favourites by the way, and I find it weird that many are able to tell what they like most. When asked about my favourite anything, I would say that I enjoy multiple things and I had a particular affection for each of those things for different kinds of reasons and emotions. There is no such thing as a favourite for me. But that colour of the sky that day, I just loved it. I was thinking about many things. I should get into the habit of jotting them down quickly right and writing about them on the day itself so that I don't forget. But the thing that I can still remember thinking about and now I have to go back a paragraph to add an interesting fact........ Just hold on my friend! Oh in fact that backtracking made me realise that my thoughts also drifted to religion. Maybe starting a new paragraph would be better.
So first I realised how many people didn't have the luxury like me to think and philosophise about things. Many people are just suffering, some are born without the capacity to show intelligence, and others are just concerned about surviving each day, that thinking about the so called great problems of the world and the meaning of our existence become laughable. I tried to make a point in my essay that it is knowledge that gives us a sense of who we are. But isn't that a joke to those who don't have such luxury to think about the problems of knowledge? A person who has understood nothing about the world could be happy, and he will live and die. Who am I to judge that he has not lived a meaningful life? Who am I to say that he has led a sad life? These questions continue to bug me. At the end of my existence, what I consider important to myself is not important to the universe. The universe remains apathetic to my sentiments and I will just die having lived a life not decided by myself, died, and decomposed without ever knowing, the fundamental questions about the universe, knowledge and our existence and consciousness. This idea of philosophy, metaphysical thinking being a luxury led me to think that faith is a luxury. There are many problems in religion that I have considered. I was quite a Christian when I was a child, but I actually read the bible like it was mythology, and hence my favourite book in the bible is the the book of Revelations. Then I started thinking, why would God have to create anything in the first place? Why did he create a hierachy of beings? Why did he not make it innate for everyone to be aware of his existence? Why should Christianity be centred around the Jews? Why would God support anyone in war? Why didn't Jesus appear in China? Why are there so many religions? The tracing of these younger questions led me to the slightly older reminder of a very apt cartoon. The Eskimo asked the missionary, "If I don't believe in your God now that you have told me about it, I would be punished?" "Yes", the missionary replied. "Then why did you tell me about it?" The Eskimo asked. This perfectly describes of the irony of the missionary's actions. Oh by the way, I also thought a lot of how God would deal with people who didn't believe him or didn't get to know him. That's when I reached the conclusion that it really doesn't matter which religion you believe in if there really is a God. Back to the irony part. When someone preaches about the glory of god, and tells them to believe that this almighty being will bring salvation upon them, it can be ironic because the preacher does not live in the suffering of the one being preached to. Tell anyone who is struggling to survive that there is a god who cares about them. Tell anyone who is born without the ability to conceive thoughts that there is a god who gives a shit about them. To have faith is to have luxury, that is the weak meaning and realisation. But faith is admirable and a leap when one has experienced unimaginable suffering but has held on fervently with the belief that there is the almighty god, and that there is always hope. It is a leap which I cannot make, I can merely state a preference. Sure, I rather there be a god, so that I can ask him about the universe after I die.
And today, I stumbled upon the past which I didn't know about. Cries through the phone hinted of it, hypocrisy in speech revealed it, words from others spoke of it and more hypocrisy ensued and strongly suggested it. Living far apart, the stubborns' relationship was high on tension. One stubborn had a beautiful dream that was apparently torn apart. The stubborn said hypocritical things which she probably forgot but the retard will never forget. The retard despises hypocrisy above all else. Living apart, the stubborns never really got to understand each other and resolve tensions. Apparently life wasn't so easy economically for the stubborns. They tried hard, but the retard felt a sense of disgust somehow after seeing those documents. The retard witnessed a series of written prayers in poorly written english, (can you imagine, living here for 11 years and not knowing how to spell the name of the district you live in, without any good sense of grammar, and a poor command of english even till this day. Even worse at Chinese, jumbled speech that has annoyed and affected the Retard's command for the language), asking god to give the other stubborn interviews, jobs, telling god how that stubborn has had much experience in the industry. The retard was appalled and disgusted. He realised, as he had realised before, that neither of the stubborns have thought seriously about the existence of god, and used the notion of god as a wishing well. Using god as a wishing well for mundane demands. The stubborn expressed stupid sentimentality without realising that she wasn't thinking hard enough, just being in her own world. The retard should feel guilt and remorse, and he will probably be feeling that way when he reads this again, but the thing is that this is exactly the way he felt, the retard had no sympathy whatsoever. Perhaps the stubborn had much suffering, no she had a great deal of suffering. But it was the poor sense of english, which demonstrated a lack of willingness to seek improvement and improve, the stupid demands from god and stupid wish that god may bless us that irritated the retard. When the retard saw a video of him wishing for acceptance into good schools during his birthday. Affected by the stubborns perhaps, the younger retard failed to realise the hypocrisy of his actions, and felt even more repulsed by the video. The stubborns never knew the retard well and probably won't. The retard experienced a life that gave him a critical insight towards anything that could be retained in his mind. This sense of criticality caused him to not be the friend he wished to be.
I am sorry that I have to end on such a depressing note my friend. I shall conjure up identities for you perhaps. But I am glad that I have finished writing my very first letter to you.
Thanks.
Regards,
The Retard.
Di Project
Problems to define
empathise, define, ideate, prototype, test
I will start a project in a non linear fashion, and this time I will be committed, fully.
I shall interact with people, be less judgemental, adopt a baby learning attitude empathise and learn about their emotions, to understand their needs and gain insights from them.
I shall define short, specific and sexy questions/problems
I shall draw out solutions/ideas
I will prototype them with LEGO!!! and other fun materials
I will test them out!
Vague, but I like it this way.
Thursday, July 4, 2013
My greatest failure
My greatest failure is represented, ironically by the following words which I wrote in Chinese calligraphy:
持 集
之 思
以 广
恒 益
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Saturday, June 8, 2013
The boy and the butterfly.
The boy had a name. He was quite proud of it, until his friends started making fun of his name. They made it sound feminine. They thought his name sounded like butterfly.
And the boy was unhappy. He always felt that his name was unique. His name was like some arbitrary gift from God, bestowed upon him for power.
Many years later, did he realise that the butterfly is beautiful. The metamorphosis of the butterfly from the caterpillar is a marvel of nature and has much more significance than an arbitrary, cool sounding name.
Still, he appreciated his name, which symbolised the ideal of perseverance.
The boy had a name. He was quite proud of it, until his friends started making fun of his name. They made it sound feminine. They thought his name sounded like butterfly.
And the boy was unhappy. He always felt that his name was unique. His name was like some arbitrary gift from God, bestowed upon him for power.
Many years later, did he realise that the butterfly is beautiful. The metamorphosis of the butterfly from the caterpillar is a marvel of nature and has much more significance than an arbitrary, cool sounding name.
Still, he appreciated his name, which symbolised the ideal of perseverance.
Friday, June 7, 2013
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
I imagine myself at the top of a hill. From this vantage point, I look at the past, feel the present and contemplate on the future. I move on, I feel determined and calm. The tranquillity of the air soothes me. I am lost but not without courage. I have learned to cast all fantasies and live in reality. I have learned to dream but not fantasise. 唉，我多么渴望与你相遇。
The reason I keep failing
The reason I keep failing is because I ignore rationality. At that moment of impulse, I fail to acknowledge the rationality that governs me now. If I continue failing, I will achieve nothing. Let this be the final warning.
Monday, June 3, 2013
The spark
1 The following is an essay I wrote last year. I found it quite interesting and fascinating how I even forgot that I wrote this essay. Hopefully, it will be a spark.
To
what extent can knowledge be justified true belief?
“Justified
true belief” or JTB, is currently the most widely accepted definition or
approximation of knowledge. In my opinion, the three criterions of
“justification”, “truth” and “belief” are essential to knowledge. For one to
know, one must first believe in a proposition, that is true, and have means of
showing that the proposition is true. For the purpose of discussion, the
definitions of “justification” and “truth” will be pluralistic. Combining both
evidentialistic and realibilistic viewpoints, “Justification” is defined as a
means of proving a proposition by providing evidence or using reliable
cognitive processes or faculties. “Truth” is defined as a correspondence of
propositions to the external world as it is, a coherence of propositions to
other truths and any judgments that produce satisfactory or pragmatic
consequences. By considering criticisms to JTB, it will be concluded that JTB
represents knowledge to a large extent and is our best approximation of knowledge
yet.
It can be
argued using Gettier problems that JTB is not restrictive enough. Consider the
following example of a Gettier problem: A farmer observes a grassy hill from
far and notices something white which appears to him as a sheep. He then
recalls images of other sheep he has seen in the region and now believes that
there is a sheep on the hill due to the strong resemblance between the object
he sees and sheep he has previously seen. In reality, what the farmer actually
saw was model of a sheep made by an artist to resemble a real sheep as closely
as possible. However, behind this model lies a real sheep that could not be
seen from the farmer’s position.
In the example above, the farmer possesses
“knowledge” according to the JTB criteria. Firstly, the farmer believes that
there is a sheep on the hill. Secondly, this belief is true because it
corresponds to the actual situation. Lastly, the farmer has his justification
for believing, the sensory data he receives corresponds to images of sheep he
has previously seen, hence, he has evidence and also used reliable cognitive
processes to justify his belief. As a result, the farmer does possess knowledge
defined as JTB even though he does not know that what he actually saw was not
the real sheep. Such Gettier problems show that the JTB definition allows one
to acquire knowledge through coincidence or luck. For many, this presents a
flaw in the definition because the “knower” does not seem to have the
appropriate understanding of why the belief is true. Hence, to rectify this
flaw, it is proposed that an additional condition in addition to JTB is
required.
One such
attempt is to adjust the JTB definition so that the “justification” relied on
no “false premises” in its chain of reasoning. In the Gettier problem
introduced above, it can be argued that the farmer subconsciously makes the
“false premise” that it is impossible that his sense perception is deceived by
an object that resembles a sheep. Therefore, if a condition to disallow “false
premises” was added, the farmer’s JTB will not be considered as knowledge.
However, this adjustment to the JTB is also problematic. With the new
condition, it becomes necessary “know” that a premise is true before using it
in a justification. As a result, a premise used in a justification would be a
JTB requiring another justification, leading to another JTB. Therefore, the
attempt to disallow “false premises” makes the problem of justification regression
more evident.
The
problem of justification regression leads to another argument that the
“justification” component of JTB is unnecessary as it is problematic and thus
should be omitted, leaving with only TB as the two criterions of knowledge.
However, this modification to JTB is also problematic. Firstly, it seems
counter-intuitive that one does not have to provide any evidence or use any
cognitive process to show that a belief is true. Secondly, it seems impossible
for one to arrive at a conclusion that a belief is true without any
justification. Lastly, it is only reasonable that “truth” is accompanied with
“justification”. The three theories of
“truth”, correspondence theory, coherence theory and pragmatic theory define
“truth” by considering how it should be tested. These tests of truth can only
be made in conjunction with a justification. For example, in the correspondence
theory, a judgment is true if it corresponds to how it actually is in reality.
To test that a judgment is true, one must check for a correspondence, and this
process of checking is a justification. Hence, the omission of “justification”
from JTB is unproductive in terms of refining our approximation of knowledge.
In
general, counter arguments against the JTB are arguments concerning the
“justification” component of JTB. These arguments are valid in terms of showing
a certain flaw in JTB. However, they do not lead us to a suitable modification
of JTB. In my opinion, the current failure in further refining JTB can lead to
two possible conclusions. Firstly, even with its limitations, JTB is the most
appropriate approximation of knowledge yet. Secondly, the approach of defining
knowledge as a set of independent conditions may be misguided. However, alternative
approaches to defining knowledge have not given us equal insight as the JTB.
Hence, my personal conclusion is that compare to other definitions, JTB
represents knowledge to the largest extent.
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Saturday, May 25, 2013
And there, I gave up again, I feel disappointed again. Treat it as exercise, treat it as something that will damage your health.
YOU WILL NOT DO IT AGAIN. THIS IS THE ULTIMATUM.
Haha, you are such a failure. Nobody cares about your fantasies. You are just sick and disgusting, thinking about all that stuff throughout the day like an idiot. Continue being one and regret.
I am just sick and disgusting.
YOU WILL NOT DO IT AGAIN. THIS IS THE ULTIMATUM.
Haha, you are such a failure. Nobody cares about your fantasies. You are just sick and disgusting, thinking about all that stuff throughout the day like an idiot. Continue being one and regret.
I am just sick and disgusting.
Friday, May 24, 2013
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Monday, May 20, 2013
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Monday, May 13, 2013
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Sometimes I wonder why do I feel so weird about things. I get annoyed easily. I give people the wrong impression. 想见到却不想见到。各种矛盾。I should be more self-conscious of the way I speak to people. Sometimes I'm just too arrogant. [2/5/2013]
Yes, today I realised that I always try to convince people in a tone that is perceived as harsh, over-critical and cynical. [7/5/2013]
Yes, today I realised that I always try to convince people in a tone that is perceived as harsh, over-critical and cynical. [7/5/2013]
Monday, April 29, 2013
Sunday, April 28, 2013
The plan is:
Maximise time usage between periods to study german. Focus on grammar in sch.
On the MRT, study vocab using the app.
At home, study vocab for 1 h, consolidate words for 15/30 min. Do the essays.
Must work on TOK/EE and all other subjects. Priority is TOK.
Then, study vocab before going to sleep.
Maximise time usage between periods to study german. Focus on grammar in sch.
On the MRT, study vocab using the app.
At home, study vocab for 1 h, consolidate words for 15/30 min. Do the essays.
Must work on TOK/EE and all other subjects. Priority is TOK.
Then, study vocab before going to sleep.
Inaction could be the worst action. When a cyclist rings his bell behind, keep moving while looking back, don't stop and turn back, you might get hit. When a cyclist is going towards you, stick to a side quickly, don't stand in the middle and wait, you are more likely to get hit.
And, dear IR, please be more careful with your choice of words, tone, and self-portrayal. You don't want to be seen as judgemental, do you? Or do you really care if you are seen as a judgemental person? If you feel like you speak the truth? Just who are you? What gives you the sense of who you are?
And, dear IR, please be more careful with your choice of words, tone, and self-portrayal. You don't want to be seen as judgemental, do you? Or do you really care if you are seen as a judgemental person? If you feel like you speak the truth? Just who are you? What gives you the sense of who you are?
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
I'm no saint, but I felt like I know she needed help. She was probably desperate, she may be lying, but if I could have shown her kindness, all will be worthwhile for both of us. To reject any notion that she is in need is truly pathetic, it is disgusting. We are privileged and will never be able to understand her life, her struggle, her yearning for respect and a place in society. To be skeptical is perfectly alright, as long as there is an attempt to a productive action. It's just sick, arrogant and detestable that you show no sympathy at all. Look into their eye's for heaven's sake.
And then you believe nonsense, failing to realise the fallacies of non-explanation, and seemingly convinced. It just annoys the hell out of me that someone your age can't even have the most basic sense of critical thinking. Do you ever think about the meaning of life, the universe and other questions? I fear to inherit indifference.
Today is a bad day. I am annoyed and tired.
But, there are just a few more weeks left. Be steadfast and ready. Finish the book, finish the vocab, organise content for question spotting. You can do it. Wir werden siegen. Do not be lost. You are a failure but accept it. You can achieve your dreams. Get into a dense mood, think. Be ready. Time is running out. Triumph.
And then you believe nonsense, failing to realise the fallacies of non-explanation, and seemingly convinced. It just annoys the hell out of me that someone your age can't even have the most basic sense of critical thinking. Do you ever think about the meaning of life, the universe and other questions? I fear to inherit indifference.
Today is a bad day. I am annoyed and tired.
But, there are just a few more weeks left. Be steadfast and ready. Finish the book, finish the vocab, organise content for question spotting. You can do it. Wir werden siegen. Do not be lost. You are a failure but accept it. You can achieve your dreams. Get into a dense mood, think. Be ready. Time is running out. Triumph.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Friday, April 19, 2013
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Problems with Procrastination
Exactly, that's what I am doing now. You seem to be doing that too. I waste time. Lots of it.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Saturday, April 6, 2013
45
45, an important number at this stage of my life.
Honestly, I don't like the number 45, 43 seems way cooler, and 44 has that sense of animosity that makes it rather mysterious.
But, I shall spur on. Not for the sake of achieving any number. I will do my best to prove to myself that I have the motivation and drive to excel, that my name suits me. :) Mit ihr rede war schön.
Honestly, I don't like the number 45, 43 seems way cooler, and 44 has that sense of animosity that makes it rather mysterious.
But, I shall spur on. Not for the sake of achieving any number. I will do my best to prove to myself that I have the motivation and drive to excel, that my name suits me. :) Mit ihr rede war schön.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
改变
心正，人正。
从今天开始，我将改变自己。
把精力用在现实中。
不知为何很多人感到悲伤，
我只想找到属于自己的动力。
有些事情早已过去，有些只是幻想。
请你对生活认真点。
有些习惯看来还是很还改的。
有些事情早已过去，有些只是幻想。
请你对生活认真点。
有些习惯看来还是很还改的。
Sunday, March 31, 2013
All schools are good schools, but that doesn't mean all schools are equally good.
All Schools are good schools.
It is important to ensure that all schools are good schools. I quote:
....
(I shall continue with this some other time)
It is important to ensure that all schools are good schools. I quote:
- A good school cares for its students, studying and knowing the needs, interests and strengths of her students and motivates them to learn and grow.
- A good school ensures all students acquire strong fundamentals of literacy and numeracy and develops them holistically, in character, knowledge and critical competencies.
- A good school creates a positive school experience for each student, making him a confident and lifelong learner.
- A good school has caring and competent teachers who are steadfast in their mission to impact lives.
- A good school has the support of parents and the community, working together to bring out the best in our children, and
- A good school cares for and provides opportunities to all students, regardless of family circumstances.
This is a good list of what good schools should be. But as I have noticed, the recent debates on education regarding this "All schools are good schools" notion has been targeted at the presence of "elite schools". And I feel that that is not the point of mission/goal by the ministry. I think many people have missed the point. The Ministry clearly aren't saying "All schools are equally good".
To say that all schools are good is to say that all schools fulfil a certain criteria for being a good school, such achieving those points mentioned. That is to say, all schools in singapore should provide a good education of a certain standard. That in itself is probably the goal of education ministry. Every country wants all their schools to consistently provide education of high quality, and of course we expect that quality to improve over time. So how can this be achieved? We probably need to provide more resources and assistance to schools which are not performing as well. More importantly, we need to identify the reasons why they are not doing as well, (teachers, students, administration) and address them appropriately with the resources we have. For instance, (just as a preliminary idea), we could encourage senior teachers who have had broad teaching experience to teach in these under-performing schools. Or, gather such a group and let them visit these schools on a regular basis to offer advice. Therefore, the ministry's goal of having all schools become good schools should be an attempt to help the not-so-good schools raise their standard.
This is where the misunderstanding arises. To raise all schools to a certain standard does not mean that all schools will become equally good. As long as each school is above that standard of a "good school", they each school will be free to excel in its own ways. Therefore, some schools will be better, but all schools are still good schools. Who says that for all to be good, they must be equally good?
I can give you an analogy. All teachers are qualified. This statement implies that all teachers are good enough to teach. But does that mean that they are equally good? Of course not! All students are good. Does that mean they will do equally well in exams? So does this become a debate on elite schools? Well, because people are dissatisfied.
"They" (people who have brought in "elite schools" into the discussion and criticised them) claim that these elite schools breed elitism and whatnot, which is bad. But hey, essentially, elite schools exist because they perform well in the criteria that we have for "a good education". Though some may argue otherwise, this is to a large extent very true. Elite schools tend to have more resources, and thus their students can explore academics to a greater depth and also have more opportunities to excel in their CCAs.
....
(I shall continue with this some other time)
Saturday, March 30, 2013
我，I，Ich
我总觉的我是个很奇怪的人，总是在乎一些虚幻的东西。
我从来不喜欢给自己拍照。我更喜欢拍一些自然的景色.
Ich mag nicht mein Gesicht.
But I will film my class everyday, to record those moments which I fear I will forget, but dearly miss.
Why did I use the "But"?
Here are some questions that I have always wondered about: (从小，想不起是什么时候开始思考这些问题，但是应该是很早很早）
1. 人死后去哪儿？
2. 人生的意义是？
3.我是谁？
4.上帝存在吗？
第一个问题的答案倒无所谓，如果我知道就说明我死后意识还在。希望如此吧。
第二个问题的答案，随着年龄的增长，有过很多不同的想法。但是我如今感到很迷茫。
第三个问题-我并不了解自己。不了解自己的人能了解别人吗？
第四个问题-God is not a single entity. It is all existence and meaning. I am part of it, just like how I am part of Nature. I am an intelligent part of Nature that is trying out to find the meaning of Nature itself. 我终于明白我为什么用存在命名此博客。因为我想了解我的存在，和包含我的存在的存在。
我对自己承诺，长大后不会低估孩子的独立思考能力。
我从来不喜欢给自己拍照。我更喜欢拍一些自然的景色.
Ich mag nicht mein Gesicht.
But I will film my class everyday, to record those moments which I fear I will forget, but dearly miss.
Why did I use the "But"?
Here are some questions that I have always wondered about: (从小，想不起是什么时候开始思考这些问题，但是应该是很早很早）
1. 人死后去哪儿？
2. 人生的意义是？
3.我是谁？
4.上帝存在吗？
第一个问题的答案倒无所谓，如果我知道就说明我死后意识还在。希望如此吧。
第二个问题的答案，随着年龄的增长，有过很多不同的想法。但是我如今感到很迷茫。
第三个问题-我并不了解自己。不了解自己的人能了解别人吗？
第四个问题-God is not a single entity. It is all existence and meaning. I am part of it, just like how I am part of Nature. I am an intelligent part of Nature that is trying out to find the meaning of Nature itself. 我终于明白我为什么用存在命名此博客。因为我想了解我的存在，和包含我的存在的存在。
我对自己承诺，长大后不会低估孩子的独立思考能力。
Thursday, March 21, 2013
About Jobs and other stuff
Today I heard a discussion that students should be inspired to have curiousity about subjects and teachers should cultivate interest in them. I also heard that students should be exposed to the possible job placements at an early to let them decide on "who they want to be".
Here is my opinion:
Firstly, I think the purpose of education is to broaden and deepen perspectives. What I mean is that interests and curiousity are more innate than we think, and therefore it seems like a weird idea to me that schools are meant to cultivate interests. I think, schools are meant to show us the broad spectrum of possibilities we have for learning, and a "holistic education" is one where students have opportunity to deepen their exploration in subjects they like, but ensuring that they do not neglect subjects commonly viewed as "necessary". This means that any student, should know a bit of science, math, languages and the humanities. I think many students are unaware that engaging in many disciplines of academics is perhaps the only way they will broaden their modes of thinking.
I am also concerned about how there is this perception that we should correlate jobs to the fields we want to study. "Study" should be for learning, and learning is an exploration of curiousity. The areas of knowledge we have are to be expanded, and learning is the process of acquiring information we know and creating new ventures. Jobs are important, but if practical value was always placed as the top priority for learning, then really, how are we going to make great progress.
I want to become a technopreneur because I am passionate in science, and I love the idea of being able to invent innovative gadgets that will benefit the lives of others. My passion in science is something innate, my curiousity is something innate.
Somehow, I just feel that the only way to live a fulfilling life is if we live for meaning that is for ourselves, and independent of any external perception.
(I'm sorry if I sound very incoherent, or if my points sound stupid.) The thing is, I just try to follow a stream of consciousness, I just try to follow what my mind thinks of and just write, without trying to over think about the way it should be expressed.
Ideas and language. Is the Sapir-Wolf Hypothesis true?
Today I heard a discussion that students should be inspired to have curiousity about subjects and teachers should cultivate interest in them. I also heard that students should be exposed to the possible job placements at an early to let them decide on "who they want to be".
Here is my opinion:
Firstly, I think the purpose of education is to broaden and deepen perspectives. What I mean is that interests and curiousity are more innate than we think, and therefore it seems like a weird idea to me that schools are meant to cultivate interests. I think, schools are meant to show us the broad spectrum of possibilities we have for learning, and a "holistic education" is one where students have opportunity to deepen their exploration in subjects they like, but ensuring that they do not neglect subjects commonly viewed as "necessary". This means that any student, should know a bit of science, math, languages and the humanities. I think many students are unaware that engaging in many disciplines of academics is perhaps the only way they will broaden their modes of thinking.
I am also concerned about how there is this perception that we should correlate jobs to the fields we want to study. "Study" should be for learning, and learning is an exploration of curiousity. The areas of knowledge we have are to be expanded, and learning is the process of acquiring information we know and creating new ventures. Jobs are important, but if practical value was always placed as the top priority for learning, then really, how are we going to make great progress.
I want to become a technopreneur because I am passionate in science, and I love the idea of being able to invent innovative gadgets that will benefit the lives of others. My passion in science is something innate, my curiousity is something innate.
Somehow, I just feel that the only way to live a fulfilling life is if we live for meaning that is for ourselves, and independent of any external perception.
(I'm sorry if I sound very incoherent, or if my points sound stupid.) The thing is, I just try to follow a stream of consciousness, I just try to follow what my mind thinks of and just write, without trying to over think about the way it should be expressed.
Ideas and language. Is the Sapir-Wolf Hypothesis true?
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Friday, March 8, 2013
There is definitely a need to write down stuff everything. I really can't remember now what was the "speech I read" and "something urgent". Anyway, let me talk about this interesting TED talk about desertification.
This guy called Allan Savory is some kind of biologist/ environment researcher. His initial idea about the reason for desertification seems rather common sense- overgrazing by livestock. Hence, he proposed to kill elephants in Kenya over a period of time in order to slow down the rate of desertification. Many other researchers looked into his study and agreed with his conclusion. However, the result was an worsening rate of desertification. He then decided that he shall devote his life to finding the solution to desertification.
At this point of the talk, I was really curious to know about the solution he would propose. My perception of desertification is really common sense, as he proposed, that one of the major causes is by livestock. Could he provide a counter-intuitive solution?
The solution was rather counter-intuitive. And a brief internet search showed that his method of "holistic management" has been criticised for having failed to find scientific support. The idea is to systematically introduce livestock into an area of grassland to be restored. As these livestock move, trample the ground and excrete their manure, a process similar to the large scale migrations of animals over grassland is achieved. With this systematic approach, the soil and plants in that area of land can decompose naturally, and the soil becomes more fertile in the next cycle. Well this is the basic idea and obviously I haven't thoroughly understood the ecology behind it. However, he showed many photographs showing how much grassland he has restored. Of course, I should not just judge the success of his method by the photos, but it really seemed to be an effective method. (oh gosh I've just taken medicine and I really need to sleep now....)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Okay!!! I can finally continue!
There are two reasons why I was impressed by his speech. My understanding/perception of desertification was challenged, the common sense understanding is poor. He was able to challenge his own thinking to find a solution.
To be challenged, and to challenge one self. I think that will lead to progress.
(oh damn, suddenly I'm not feeling the drive)
This guy called Allan Savory is some kind of biologist/ environment researcher. His initial idea about the reason for desertification seems rather common sense- overgrazing by livestock. Hence, he proposed to kill elephants in Kenya over a period of time in order to slow down the rate of desertification. Many other researchers looked into his study and agreed with his conclusion. However, the result was an worsening rate of desertification. He then decided that he shall devote his life to finding the solution to desertification.
At this point of the talk, I was really curious to know about the solution he would propose. My perception of desertification is really common sense, as he proposed, that one of the major causes is by livestock. Could he provide a counter-intuitive solution?
The solution was rather counter-intuitive. And a brief internet search showed that his method of "holistic management" has been criticised for having failed to find scientific support. The idea is to systematically introduce livestock into an area of grassland to be restored. As these livestock move, trample the ground and excrete their manure, a process similar to the large scale migrations of animals over grassland is achieved. With this systematic approach, the soil and plants in that area of land can decompose naturally, and the soil becomes more fertile in the next cycle. Well this is the basic idea and obviously I haven't thoroughly understood the ecology behind it. However, he showed many photographs showing how much grassland he has restored. Of course, I should not just judge the success of his method by the photos, but it really seemed to be an effective method. (oh gosh I've just taken medicine and I really need to sleep now....)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Okay!!! I can finally continue!
There are two reasons why I was impressed by his speech. My understanding/perception of desertification was challenged, the common sense understanding is poor. He was able to challenge his own thinking to find a solution.
To be challenged, and to challenge one self. I think that will lead to progress.
(oh damn, suddenly I'm not feeling the drive)
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Monday, March 4, 2013
Sunday, March 3, 2013
A Reflection
I always like to set goals and make plans, but I have never completed any of my plans. Is it because I don't persevere? Just like how I always wanted to start a diary, tried multiple times but failed. I've subscribed to 2 courses in Coursera, it's a great website. But I didn't manage to finish my first course on python, so I really hope I can succeed in finishing these 2 courses. I'll probably use such MOOCs during NS as a way to prevent my intellect from becoming dull. There are many things I want to write about, but some I would like to keep to myself.
I was a good writer, I think. Well, I think people will laugh at me if I said that I used to write good compositions in primary school. But during that time, I could feel an impulse to write and that impulse sustained throughout my writing. “灵感” is what it's called. I could let my imagination run wild and just write. But after almost 6 years of writing argumentative and expository essays, I feel like I can no longer show my creativity in writing, which is rather sad. My favourite piece of writing was a short story on a frog called 蛙, it's pretty interesting how the chinese nobel literature prize laureate Mo Yan has a book called 蛙. (I should probably read the book soon). So the purpose for me to write now, is to retrace that “灵感”, and be able to write a story as imaginative as the one I wrote many years back.
I have many other things to do right now, I 'll come back and write more later.
I have many other things to do right now, I 'll come back and write more later.
Friday, March 1, 2013
First Day
I have always wanted to write a diary. I have tried multiple times but failed. Instead, I will use this blog to reflect on the things that happen each day.
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