Dear Friend 22

Dear Friend,

I should have reflected on this much longer ago. It was last year November, during the examinations period, when an absurd tragedy happened near me.

I was repelled by the response of the Stubborns, who insisted that we should move out, as if the same tragedy could happen to us too. I was also scolded for answering questions, and that is also stupid and absurd.

What I just realised when crossing the street after playing basketball a few days ago, is that death was so near, and yet I was completely oblivious to it. It happened, and went by. I did not offer condolences because I was too busy with exams and whatnot. I told myself that I must do something for them, but did not.

Death is always present in television and dramas. I recently watched a drama in which a mother told her children that she was dying. Depending on the relationships you have, Death is personal and communal to different extents. I sometimes think that if I died right now, it wouldn't matter. And it does and it does not. My parents will be distraught, maybe some of my close friends too. But for the whole world and the entire universe, my death is insignificant and meaningless. To face and accept the insignificance of our individual lives, I think, is grand and empowering.

Death was within 50m, and I did not "meaningfully" "feel" anything. I became more aware of the absurdity of death, but I am bothered by my somewhat nonchalant attitude. I think I finally know what I wanted to say. I did not seriously consider what would happen if the same thing happened to me. I did not grow more appreciative and grateful for my own life. I looked at the absurdity as an abstract entity, without really appreciating its presence in my very own life. As if every Death has to be some important life lesson for me. But of course it should! It was so close! The pathetic thing for me is that I only knew the victim's name post mortem. But why should names be important if acquaintance is never made? Once again, it is the problem of proximity. This close, I should have known.

I am afraid of death. I don't want to die. I am afraid of the idea of not existing, not having consciousness and never being able to think ever again. I always think of this when I defecate, just as  木boy as I found out during Bintan.

I have been wasting a lot of time, and I won't have much personal time soon. I just wish that "Dear Friend" will someday no longer be figurative.

Regards,
The lonely Retard