Dear Friend,
Haha, you didn't like that opening sentence? I'm sorry I couldn't write to you yesterday, my VAIO computer crashed after trying to restore it to factory settings, shouldn't have done that I guess. But I had a great day with the clown yesterday. I probably don't want to call him the clown now, he has been through a lot. Maybe he prefers the name Owleyes. Alright then, I'll call him owl eyes.
Owl eyes invited me to cycle at east coast yesterday. We were both late, but he was later. In fact, he was 2 hours late. But cycling was fun, for those 2 hours, I didn't have to think about anything besides cycling. I think I love cycling, and many other forms of physical exertion because for that brief period of time, I can abandon all thoughts and live in the present, be only concerned about the present. I can only focus on the force I exert on each pedal, the pain in my back, the weather, the bumpiness of the road, and the ever present caution to not brake too hard again. That's right. I fell. I braked too hard. Initially it felt like the bicycle chain came off, but owl eyes was right, I braked too hard and fell forward. The reason I applied the brakes that hard was because my left hand is used to applying that much force when braking on my own bike. Let me try to recall the scene:
I saw someone sweeping or cleaning the ground, perhaps blowing away the fallen leafs. I wanted to stop, so I gripped on the brakes. Then, in that fantastic moment, I could feel the bike lounging forward, I knew I had lost control, so I was ready to impact with my left hand and left knee. My glasses flew off on impact. In that brief moment, I was so sensitive to the surroundings that it felt like the stream of time slowed down just for me to embrace that moment, to live within it, at least for that moment. When I got up, I quickly put on my glasses and picked up my bike. I looked at the chain, kept saying that I was fine because I felt embarrassed. Actually, I felt more embarrassed that I felt embarrassed, but I guess it's okay.
I just want to highlight the brief moment before the impact. It's quite an amazing feeling that I hope I could experience again. Live in the moment.
That is something I am not good at, I am often too focused on the future and too fixated on the past that I never quite make good decisions in the present. But from today onwards, I shall work hard so that I will have no regrets.
Here is my plan of action for tomorrow:
1. I will finish editing my EE draft
2. I will do 2 scenes of Lear (at least try to finish up 1 important scene)
3. I will study SAT vocab- the plan is the revise the past vocab I have accumulated, and add on 30 words per day, 50 to 70 words on weekends
4. I will work on the ACC Poster (I can only rely on myself right?)
There are other things I have to do, for example, I need to write a resume and testimonial for myself. I need to do more research on universities. But focus on the present Retard, you will learn to be active and stay focused.
175, the crowded west
Another clear evidence of my lack of attention to the present occurs in my letters to you too. My ideas often jump far ahead of me, such that when I finish elaborating on one idea, I may or may not write it in the way I want it to be, (oh by the way, another idea came to my mind just a few seconds before), and after that I don't spend enough time elaborating on the second idea.
One thing I must reflect on is my poor performance in the recent math exams. Just to recap my greatest conceptual misunderstanding, exponential distribution is a distribution where the probability of the waiting time of an event decays exponentially. Otherwise when asked about how many events within a certain time, the question is evidently a poisson distribution where the discrete random variable is the number of times a certain event occurs.
I felt like I grasped all the content and I can understand the approach to solve the questions. However, I was not able to do them within the marked time and I failed to get correct answers. The reason is, now that I think of it, lack of good practice. Whenever I practise, I should focus on the moment and clear away all distractions. I shall learn from my mistakes. The score will probably be hard to deal with. But please do not find excuses for yourself and continue working hard.
Another thing I would like to mention is that there are some people, in this case I am talking about a certain teacher, who does not understand the difference between encouraging discussion and pressing for answers that she wants to hear.
As I was walking home, and quite recently, I have been asking myself this question, what type of irons do I like? Or when do I plan to get diamonds? I don't ask these questions myself directly, but I imagine someone asking me these questions. My answer to the former is that I want to be with somebody who makes me feel serene. I seek a certain kind of tranquillity. We could talk, but we are perfectly at ease when we are silent. It is almost as if we could read each others' thoughts, but it really doesn't matter. All that matters is the feeling that there is something beyond my own existence that is important to me. That's why, frankly, I don't know what it means to love. I can't say that I love the stubborns, because sometimes they understand me the least and they also have no fundamental respect for my intellect. But I am good with fantasies and infatuations. As to the latter, I usually say that I don't plan, or don't expect to plan, or I don't think it can be planned. When it happens it happens, it is not passivity I think, rather the acceptance or a philosophical kind of confidence that assures me that I will find the right one.
I still want to talk to her, but I know that feh is not interested in me at all. But I want to know fehr, I want to know how feh has been, what are her aspirations. I want to let fehr know about my feelings, or despicable infatuations.
That brings me to another point, I need to think about some of the books and movies I have enjoyed, and use as many despicable words as possible when writing to you. I will also be using some common app prompts or SAT prompts to open my letters to you dear friend.
Thank you so much my friend. I feel a sense of relief after writing to you, I want to do this everyday. It will be interesting to look back, but more importantly, it reminds me of the relative present and prepares me for the future.
Oh by the way, have you heard? There are advantages to being useless, that's quite interesting isn't it? Hmm... Give me some encouragement pal, tomorrow will be a good day.
Just before I end of this letter, I just want to say that I am disgusting, still looking at another fehr and wishing that I could catch fehr attention.
Run Retard Run.
Regards,
The Retard.
P.S. From henceforth I shall not write Thanks unless it feels like it. I shall end with a full stop unless it doesn't feel like it.
P.S.S. If you had a name, what would it be? Butterfly?
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